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“Hangover” makes it sounds like it’s all done now. I’d like to propose the term “hanghappening”.
I hate when I text a girl "I love you" and she`s like "no you don`t." Like bitch, I just fapped to your profile picture, I think I`d know.
All my biological clock does, is let me know when it`s time to eat again
"I can`t wait to nail you later" *whispers to the new picture I just bought*
Last New Year my resolution was 1920x1080 , this year it`s to be less of a nerd.
Don`t ``Wine and dine`` me ... ``Champagne`` me ... step it up a notch
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
Drinking always starts out as the best idea you’ve ever had.
It`s the little things in life that matter the most... for instance the refrigerator light, helping you to see that last beer way in the back!
What makes fancy green beans fancy?
I inherited my dad`s sense of humor. He`s not funny either.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
Look up procrastinator on Wikipedia. There’s a picture of me. Well there isn’t yet, but there will be. Probably by tomorrow. Maybe Tuesday.
Sometimes I wish people would just bring donuts to work instead of drama.
Due to political correctness issues, "Krazy Glue" will now be known as "Mental Disorder Glue."