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It`s not a mental breakdown if the police wasn`t called.
You`ve got to be twins. You`re too stupid to be one person.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say "I`m affordable" instead of "I`m adorable".
It`s hard to diet when your favorite exercise is chewing...
One day we the women will rap the men lets see how they like it!
“Delete, Block, Ignore” Its too bad getting rid of people in life is not as easy as it is on Facebook..
I DON`T NEED ANYONE OR ANYTHING!!! (Except for Louie...the name I`ve given this meatball sub.)
To everybody that is single don`t worry you will have your day............ Palm Sunday is just around the corner
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
If you eat doughnuts fast enough your Fitbit thinks you`re walking.
I’m taking care of my procrastination issues; just you wait and see.
Fruit cocktail is the most disappointing of all the cocktails.
Whew, good thing there`s a facebook petition for ending the shutdown, or else we`d be in real trouble.
HR have advised that I’m not allowed to ask my chubby co-workers if they ate my missing stapler.
If someone doesn`t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don`t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.