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Why do crutons come in resealable bags? Are we really worried about them going stale?
That weird moment when u just say "what`s up " to someone and they thing you`re a shrink.
I hardly know you…. but, Facebook says it’s your birthday, so happy birthday!
Drinking: because why not intensify the feelings you`re trying to escape?
Dating a stripper is like eating a noisy bag of chips in church. Everyone looks at you in digust, but deep down inside they want some.
You could`ve told me that wasn`t your real name before I got the tattoo.
Kid, I can take you out the same way I brought you into this world, by making it look like an accident.
I really like that machine at the gym where you put money into it and snacks come out.
Keep honking. I´m reloading.
I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
The feeling you get when a woman asks you to guess her age is like wondering whether to cut the blue wire or the green wire when defusing a bomb.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets and we turned out fine. And you know what else? Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets and we turned out fine.
Guess it`s time to get to the part of the day I hate... the part which requires pants.
"That girl is totally checking you out" said vodka. -Bfanch