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The only correct answer to "Are you ticklish?" is "I will kill you."
Everyone wants you to "be honest" until you tell them how much they suck.
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says I`m alright, but I feel like, well, like I`ve dyed a little inside.
My life is just a series of awkward moments separated by snacks.
I don`t speak Spanish, but I`m pretty sure "Dora" means "annoying"
I have just one thing to ask you people who say the memory is the first thing to go: What did I come in here for?
Flip flops are fun because every time you take a step it`s like a high-five for your feet.
A simpler, more believable theory is that all the dinosaurs got married and just quit having sex all together.
It`s always nice to be called Pretty in the morning. So what if he was hiding behind the trash wearing no pants.
I hate when I get to the office and there isn’t a smoking crater where the building is.
Do you have to water a Pointsettia or do they die on their own?
Whenever a stranger asks our baby’s name, I always say he hasn’t told us yet.
I was trying to have a mature arguement but "look, you ignorant f*cktard" just popped out
Take my advice; I don’t use it anyway.
Not a day goes by when I don`t try to use The Force.