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A jealous woman does better research than the FBI
Guinness for breakfast because its Ireland somewhere.
I dont want to sound like a badass or anything but I play Wii without the wrist strap on....
My new years resolution was to lose 30 pounds by the end of summer. I`ve only got 40 pounds to go.
My wife just opened a jar of pickles by herself and I can`t help but think that my days around here are numbered...
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they`re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
I came home from the gym today staggering and sweating after pushing my body to the limit ... And all I did was sign up.
When I was a kid... No wait. I still do that.
If one teacher cannot teach every subject, then how come one student is expected to learn all the subjects.
Teacher: what comes after 69. Little Johnny: Mouthwash. Teacher: Get out!!!
One of my best talents is pretending to like people. Unfortunately, I only show it when no one`s around.
I`ve officially met everyone`s mother yesterday via Facebook so I`m pretty sure that takes me out of the friend zone here ladies
Do short people start their childhood stories with "when I was little", too?
There`s no WE in pizza.
I secretly like days when none of my Facebook friends have birthdays.