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I’m going to start wearing a whistle around my neck, so I can call penalties on people who piss me off.
McDonald`s should have a 3rd window, where you can trade in all the wrong sh!t they gave you at the second window.
I’m gonna make this girl mine….. Right click, Save As….
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions
You can be like "This is a slippery slope" or you can be like "Weeeeeeee!"
If I was Neil Armstrong landing on the moon, "That`s one small step for man," would have been, "Screw you every girl who ever shot me down!"
Shopping at the Dollar Tree makes me feel rich and poor at the same time
Judging from all the misery and carnage on my newsfeed, I`m assuming it`s Monday.
Is everything expensive or am I just poor?
Adding "and sh!t" to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and sh!t.
While wearing a bikini you show 90% of your body -But men are so polite, that they stare only at the covered places.
Why do ballerinas always stand in their toes? Why don`t they get taller dancers?
I think the saying "every man for himself" was made up by women tired of making sandwiches.
I`m just amazed after all these years that we STILL haven`t seen Mario`s buttcrack.
Sorry I shouted "MORTAL KOMBAT!" when you started arguing with your husband at the grocery store