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I`m only a morning person on December 25th
Some of my ideas are about as profitable as selling YOLO T-Shirts at a Reincarnation seminar
You know you`re getting older when you play GTA and spend 3 hours just walking around the map trying to find where you parked your car.
I`m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign And before that ... we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that sh!t.
I`m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we`re married & live together so I`d have to see them every day.
Hey Ladies..Prince charming is Gay and living with Mr. Right
You can stay, but your clothes must go.
If no one comes from the future to stop you, than how bad of a decision can it really be.
Step 1: remove food from packaging Step 2: dig packaging out of trash to locate cook time
Smile. Your enemies hate it.
If people winked in real life as much as they do in texts, the world would be a really creepy place.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario & how you handled it. Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
I was going to give you a nasty look but I see you already have one!
A guy had his whole left side torn off, the doctor said he`s all right.