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I`m at my most relaxed around dogs and prescription drugs.
“I went to Jared” I whispered as she slowly opened the velvety box of Subway coupons.
Went into a five-star hotel to use the bathroom and now it`s a two-star hotel.
Do you guys ever get a shooting pain across your body like someone has a voodoo doll of you & they`re stabbing it? No? How about now?
I heard Disney bought and are relocating the White House to Disneyland. They Say, it will be the new Center Piece of FANTASY LAND.
Everytime I find the key to happiness, somebody changes the lock.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
I’M ENGAGED…..to be hungover tomorrow.
? Taken ? Single ? So sexy that they’re all scared to go out with me.
I just saw a guy take a bite of Kit Kat bar without breaking it apart first! Sir, we live in a society with rules, please adhere to them.
The guy behind me honked a nanosecond after the light turned green. So I put on my flashers and here I sit, tweeting about the whole thing
I`ve been married twice. The next wife I have will be someone else`s and she can just go home when she`s mad at me.
Words and phrases I hope do not appear in my obituary: "Skeletal remains", "Dumpster", "Beyond recognition", "Decapitated", "Dental records", "Shallow grave", "Strewn", and "Suicide by Cop."
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
People say nails on a chalkboard is the worst sound ever... I think it`s the alarm clock in the morning.