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As I said before, I never repeat myself.
I`m well on my way to getting absolutely nothing done today.
I`m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
Doctor: How is your headache? Me: She is fine.
The awkward moment when you’re that one friend who always gives relationship advice but is still single.
At this point in my life the only reason I want to be rich is to hire somebody to clean my house.
My friend told me that bigamy was having one wife to many. I thought that was called monogamy.
When I said I missed you, I meant with a hammer.
I’m beginning to think that I buy bananas just to watch them die a slow death in my kitchen.
I bet people don’t understand that I’m joking 800% of the time.
My winter wardrobe consists of my summer clothes layered on top of one and other.
This is a lousy dating site.
More people would drink responsibly if there was a brand of beer named Responsibly.
When people introduce themselves to me for the first time, I tell them, "Yes, we`ve met before." So they feel awkward trying to remember me
Do you ever just look at someone and think "Wow, let me take off your pants."