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I wish I could feel as happy as an adult, as I felt as a kid when the teacher wheeled in the TV during class
If Plan A doesn’t work, the alphabet has 25 more letters. Keep calm.
Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight. - The Swiss Army
I hate crickets in my house.....except for the one I just killed. He seems ok.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program
"Kids are great when you need help around the house." - People who don`t have kids
I didn’t give you the finger. You earned it.
We`re all here because we`re not all there...
How crazy is it that we used to say "three and a half inch floppy" with a straight face
Oh cool! ... I really do not care.
Why do cops get mad when other cops have jurisdiction over a case? I`d be like cool I`m going home to eat.
If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that`s another weakness
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers. "Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?" SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!!
In the morning there`s a huge difference between 6:00 and 6:05.
I keep a second pair of shoes at work, I don`t want people to recognize me when I`m pooping.