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Looks like I won`t be updating my status today...
Sleep is like sex, you never get enough of it and sometimes it feels like it never happened at all.
Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Why didn`t you text me? I`ll never call you back. Like, ever. You`d have better luck with a telegram.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
"Who`s this clown?" - every guy about every other guy who is in a photo with a girl we like
I`m at an age where I no longer want to marry a doctor for his money, but rather for the prescription medications he can provide.
is battling with eyelids
Don`t ask me stupid questions and I won`t hurt your stupid feelings.
I enjoy going to costume parties that have a theme. ..."Nude Beach" is my personal favorite.
I think you know you’ve got a problem when every letter of the alphabet triggers a porn bonanza in your address bar.
I can read your mind, your thinking about sex right now, no wait, wait.. that`s my mind, sorry, I can read my mind. . .
Some people think I`m quiet, others wish I was.
Why isn`t cat food made from birds, mice and squirrels??
I wonder if I´ll ever be mature enough to use a stud finder without first pointing it at myself and saying "THERES ONE." -same guy, you`re british.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you`re really clingy and annoying