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I just can`t seem to get a girlfriend even though I can speak two languages fluently. English and Klingon.
Just told the guy at the second drive-thru window that the guy at the first drive-thru window wants to fight him.
The hardest thing about looking for work is the sobriety.
I put a pair of boots in the bathroom stall at work so nobody else will use the stall that I like to use.
Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn`t doing his part of the chores around here
If someone doesn’t stand up to let you pass them in movie theater seats, it’s totally cool and legal to fart in their face as you walk by.
That awkward moment when you buy a pack of condoms and your wife ask. what you gonna do with those?
Don’t ask me again” is my favorite computer button that I wish was also a real life button.
I think I need to lose some weight. I tried to sit up earlier and ended up rocking myself to sleep
You’ll never be as young as you are now.
I can`t wait to be ashamed of what I do this weekend
My neighbors listen to AC/DC at 6:00 every morning. Whether they like it or not...
My new diet is not buying things at the store that make the cashier say wow someone`s having a party
Patiently waiting for the Prozac to kick in so I can start my day....Ok, Maybe NOT patiently!
These Jehovah`s Witnesses are getting creative. They are now knocking on my door dressed as cops saying they have a warrant.