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If your dog weighs less than 10lbs, it`s technically a cat
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
Girl: What color are my eyes? Guy: 34C
My life is a movie. One of those movies where most of the people start leaving right in the middle of it.
Hey you know what will go good with all that beer you just drank? Social media and a camera phone!
Every day is a constant battle of trying to convince myself I don’t like cookies.
You mellennials and your obsession with public healthcare, back in my day we just died!
I plan on being up really late tonight making voodoo dolls for, well, never mind, you will know who you are soon enough.
Girlfriend: No, you hang up... Me: (click)
If you’re that person that makes microwave popcorn at work, nobody likes you.
you`re about as useless as a red light in grand theft auto
You have no idea how funny I am to me.
NyQuil is great. I love the way it comes with it´s own shot glass
You know you`ve reached adulthood when your bed is in the middle of the wall instead of in the corner.
I’m usually that person who has no idea what’s going on.