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I’m sorry I’m late. I saw a drawing of the sun wearing sunglasses and spent 4 hours wondering what the f**k he was protecting his eyes from.
My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused food, drinks. He spat and swore at anyone who came near him and started throwing things everywhere. After that we NEVER played monopoly again.
I don`t know what`s scarier. Houses with Halloween decorations or houses that still have up Christmas decorations from last year.
Studies show that 5 out of 6 people enjoy Russian roulette.
We have those sticky traps all around the house and I just found one moved clear across the room with all sorts of hair on it....so if anyone see`s a BALD mouse running around, it belongs to me
I show my age when I`m in a club with all the 20 somethings.. Guess its because the last dance step I mastered was dancing like Gene Gene The Dancing Machine
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
If it wasn’t for caffeine I wouldn’t be a functioning member of society.
I like my coffee like I like my women, hot and a lot of alcohol in them
I am pretty sure dry cleaning is a scam where they just laugh and rub money on your clothes then hang them back up in a plastic bag.
The most important part of being on a gluten free diet is telling everyone about it.
The only time I proof read is to see how much alcohol comes in a bottle.
Being an adult is the worst idea ever.
Have you ever noticed how people who play candy crush are always saying they need a life?
I don`t know karate, but I do know crazy, and I`m not afraid to use it.