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A friend doesn`t question your motive, they just keep their mouth shut and dig.
cable TV.... helping us avoid Presidential speeches for nearly four decades
No one sees you when you`re kind, no one sees you when you do a nice thing, but all will see on you when you fart.
Have you noticed that tire stores never hang big banners that say "Blowout Sale"?
Car horns were invented 1% for safety and 99% because people get pissed off sometimes and need to let a mofo know.
I really can’t kick ass, but I’m super good at taking names!
I`ve been taking viagara for my sunburn........ It doesn`t cure it...... but it does keep the sheets off my legs at night.
Do you ever wake up and kiss someone next to you and appreciate being alive? I did this and was chased out of the bus
Not everything on CNN is fake news. Some of it is commercials.
Being fat = Lowers your chance of getting kidnapped.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
That moment when you have so many things to do...So you decide to take a nap instead!
Success is like being pregnant. Everybody congratulates you, But nobody knows how many times you were ****** before you got there.
I wanna be rich enough to have 11 little people who run out of my closet every morning dressed as a nascar pit crew to make my bed really fast.
Disneyland. The world’s biggest people trap, built by a mouse.