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To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, "Guess how many fingers."
I did 26 situps this morning. It’s not a lot, but then again, how many times can someone snooze an alarm clock ?
Teaching your own mother how to use Facebook is like willingly signing your own death warrant
I don`t really work, I just kinda stand around and be awesome.
What`s the nutritional value of an entire tube of cherry Chapstick? Asking for my two year old.
Thoughts of you make my demons nervous.
I`ve just realised that I`ve got one of those cool body types that can eat whatever I want and get fat.
I`m no different than any other bachelor. I put my pants on one leg at a time and clean the house once every new girlfriend.
You posted a drunk selfie last night at 2:04 AM and then deleted it five minutes later. But I took a screenshot. Let`s negotiate.
I`m not just living paycheck to paycheck. I`m living from paycheck to change jar to scrap aluminum to liquor store to paycheck.
Never underestimate a woman`s ability to make you feel responsible and guilty for her mistakes.
I’m not saying I’m psychic, but I’m positive I will have no interest in what you’re about to say.
The hardest thing about my juice cleanse is trying to juice Snickers
COLLEGE STUDENTS: if you`re looking for a job, your career center lists thousands of openings you don`t have enough experience for.
A female mantis kills the male after sex. That used to seem cruel, but now that I’m married with kids I think the male mantis gets off easy.