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Those of you who say “I’ll sleep when I’m dead” don’t really get how the whole “dead” thing works, do you?
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye, but she was seeing someone on the side.
You call it being sober. I call it on my way to the liquor store.
I wish I had a dollar for every dollar I don`t have.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He said thanks how do you know I’m not a serial killer? I replied the chances of two serial killer’s being in the same car are astronomical.
I`m living in a drama-free bubble today. Respect the bubble people, respect it!
Why do people ask “What the hell were you thinking?” Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not have to explain it.
Why is it that when my wife refers to her friends as "girlfriends" its normal but when i call my male friends "boyfriends" i lose my friends?
Shout out to all the ladies at church today in the same clothes from the club last night.
One man’s potato is another man’s vodka.
The cop at your front door is never a stripper when you want them to be.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
Gardening is awesome because it is one of the only ways a normal person can be persuaded into buying actual bags of poop.
Nothing in the world is more expensive than a girl who`s free for the weekend.