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Cannibals don`t drink coffee ... They have a cup of Joe instead.
Hope I never go to jail, because I haven`t memorized a phone number since 2003.
Some people are like water balloons; they`re more fun when you throw them out the window.
I don`t care how the future pans out, any amazon delivery from now on is referred to as a drone strike.
I bet my road rage would be taken more seriously if I spoke German
Relationship status: my cat won`t sit still for our selfies.
Thought for the day: Never hold your farts in. They travel up your spine, into your brain, and that is where sh!tty ideas come from!
Recipes sound good until you realize that you don`t have $846 worth of spices in your house.
Is it ok to take a personal day if none of your pants fit? Asking for a friend.
Don`t talk to me until I`ve had my coffee, my breakfast, lunch, juice, dinner, and at least two glasses of wine.
I just saw a woman getting into a car the wrong way ... Through the driver’s door.
Plot twist: name your pets after passwords.
If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
What an intoxicated Schwarzenegger might say to a police officer: "I`m an IDIOT you COP!"
Things that make you go Mmmmmmm - Duct Tape