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Two days is not enough time for a weekend.
If I had a nickel for everytime I told myself I`d quit smoking, I could buy a lot more cigarettes
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don`t know what he laced them with, but I`ve been tripping all day.
I believe in love at first episode.
Children fill a void in your life that you never knew existed. And promptly destroy everything else.
Some day I wanna be "change my oil every 3000 miles" rich!
It would serve me better if they put shopping carts in the middle of the store where my pride realizes I have too much stuff to carry.
What do you call a black woman with braces?... A Black and Decker P@cker Wrecker!
My friends and I played fantasy football in high-school. No league, we just constantly thought about the cheerleaders.
If the shampoo and conditioner in her shower are not the same brand GET THE F*CK OUT, SHE`S A MAN!
There was a HUGE spider in the shower.. So I ran into the living room screaming naked.. Now my daughters` friends probably won`t be allowed over anymore..
If I were to quit my job today and become a psychic, I would advertise with a sign that reads, “Voted best psychic of 2016!"
Missed connection: I was a 15 year old boy, you were 1984 Madonna.
Twice-baked potatoes, refried beans, etc.: Damn, people, cook it right the first time or get out of the kitchen!
I was worried my notifications had stopped working but luckily I’m just unpopular.