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More food should come with prizes inside it.
The best thing about not being with you, is not being with you.
If others are jealous, you’re doing something right.
I wish my GPA looked like the gas prices right now...
"Why haven`t you been answering my pigeons?" -- Girlfriends in the 17th century probably
Either my cooking’s improved or my family’s immune systems have strengthened.
If I saw a ghost, I would not be scared. I`d be like "Sit your translucent a$$ down, I have a lot of questions!"
A lot of people do not realize that the actor who played Wilson in Castaway is the same actor from the volleyball scene in Top Gun.
What do you call a black woman with braces?... A Black and Decker P@cker Wrecker!
Cop: Been drinking tonight, ma`am? Me: No, I`m just dizzy b/c I`m having a heavy flow day. It`s really clotty and... Cop: You`re free to go.
When I die, I want a cellphone in my coffin…just in case.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can hear them misspelling words?
I got my stomach by doing as many crunches as I can everyday. Usually either Nestle or Captain
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their sh!t together.
The only thing I can fix in this world tonight is another drink.