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If I had a dollar for every girl that told me I was unattractive, they’d eventually find me attractive.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Lets be honest. Half of life is messing up and half is frantically trying to fix it.
Break the ice in a crowded elevator by asking how much everyone weighs.
buying an old Mercedes Benz so that people may think you have been rich all along
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
If you attached a bunch of watches together to make a belt it would be a waist of time.
Stages of Drunk: 1. Wow. I can dance. 2. All hats look GOOD on me. 3. Shhh. Don`t wake up the cows.
Oops, just bought vodka instead of milk again
My browser asks "are you sure?" when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
I think that work and microwave minutes are longer than regular minutes.
Took my 3rd self-defense class, so if anyone feels like attacking me straight on, very slowly, w/ a fake knife in their right hand, BRING IT
Pretending I`m a pleasent person all day is exhausting
Stealing other people`s statuses on Facebook is called a Facelift.
How I sing it: "A, B, C, D, E, F, G,....H, I, J, K, A LEMON OH PEE!....Q, R, S....T, U, V....W, X....Y, and Z."