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Ended a relationship today. Don`t worry, it wasn`t mine.
Why didn`t you tell me that I wasn`t going to like you
I went to the store and saw that Duracell batteries were on sale just before Valentine`s Day. Someone is a marketing genius.
3 shots of vodka can erase 8 hours of rage in 15 minutes. That’s all the math you really need to know.
Ok honey don’t freak out, but someone broke into the house, ate all the ice cream, smashed that picture of your mother, and didn’t do the dishes.
I thought I wanted to get married again. Then I laughed and remembered why I shouldn`t think.
Why was the cat in the bag in the first place?
I saw a baby wearing a bib that said, “This dumbass put my cape on backwards”
Well it`s about time I get in line for that Star Wars movie
Guuuyyyysssss, never ever play leapfrog with a unicorn.... Its not worth it.....
If your parachute doesn`t deploy, you have the rest of your life to fix it.
I doubt my inferiority complex is as good as everyone else`s
Does the employee manual say I CAN`T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
Babies dont have parents, they have staff.
I sure could help a lot of needy people if I won the big Powerball draw. Mainly sales people needing a commission, but still...