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Doctor: How`s your headache? Patient: She`s out of town.
Nothing is more comical than seeing someone tiptoe with cheeks clenched hastily en route to a washroom to do #2.
Men are trained from birth that happiness comes from either boobs or a bottle.
Just farted in 3 different languages! Thanks, Rosetta Stone!
When I go to someone’s house & they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is throw them out because I don’t like visitors.
I hate it when you can’t find your phone because you left it someplace stupid like in the car or your non-dominant hand.
Why isn’t our beer color coordinated for all holiday occasions, instead of just St. Patricks Day?
Like a stoned man once said, I can`t remember.
Creating a password in this day and age After the 9th try OKNowI`mReallyMad50BoiledCabbagesUpYourArseIfYouDon`tGiveMeAccessImmediately! `Sorry, that password is already in use`
If you are alone and feeling lonely, fart. Someone always walks in after you fart.
I`m no cactus expert, but I know a pr!ck when I see one
This beer is making me awesome !! ;)
I think I might be bisexual. Because last night I had sex by myself.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says "cheers" so.... no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
Campers: Nature`s way of feeding mosquitoes.