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These last 7 hours at work are always the longest.
You gotta push yourself. Do 15 push-ups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Eat an entire cake instead of just one piece. Burn your ex`s house down. I believe in you!
I can’t wait to be ashamed of what I do this weekend.
Of all the grotesque sounds coming from the bathroom stall next to me, the camera click was the most disturbing!!
Ladies, when it comes to stalking, I`m 100% behind you.
If you were home alone in the middle of the night, and you heard a fart, would you laugh or be scared.
You`re the kind of friend I text when I`m pooping and need something to do.
I`m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out. We are going to watch tv.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too? Me: If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
There are a lot of side effects to smoking weed. Like never shutting up about the fact that you smoke weed.
My friend told me he`s going to have a sex change. Apparently, he just wants to eat, drink, and be Mary.
The awkward moment when people think you`re drunk when in fact you`re just a blast naturally.
It`s kind of funny how as you get older, you start enjoying things that you hated as a kid, like taking naps and getting spanked.
Life is basically just a constant effort to not be disgusting.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.