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Starting an international incident is number one on my bucket list.
Feeling tired as you struggle to get through the day? There`s a nap for that.
Kids may be a gift, but I like playing with the box it came in.
The length of your "About me" section on Facebook is directly proportional to how annoying you are in real life.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some sh!t.
I`ve got my wise-ass in my smartypants so I`m ready for anything!
Being an adult is mostly waiting to leave places you didn`t want to go to in the first place.
If time does not wait for you, don’t worry. Just remove the battery from the clock and enjoy life.
I try not to brag but I`m really quite good at Yoga. I`m not flexible or anything but I am a master of that "Empty Your Mind" part
If I was rich, I´d do nothing all day from a much nicer recliner.
My wife asked me to load the dishwasher. So I poured her some shots and told her to start drinking. And that`s how the fight started.
I get very competitive at "All You Can Eat Buffets."
Never underestimate the power of cleavage.
Taco Tuesday sends a terrible message to our nation`s children. They need to know that tacos are always an option no matter what day it is.
I ordered an Asian hooker last night. She showed up 2 hours late. She loved me wrong time.