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People, like prescription drugs, should have to list the side effects they`re likely to cause.
When girls wear yoga pants I feel like a ghost from Mario. Uncontrollably attracted when they turn away, but frozen when they look at me.
It’s a humbling moment when you realize your dog or cat has actually trained you to do something.
Be friend with stupid people.., feel like genius all the time
Alcohol. Because who really wants to remember last night?
When I was growing up the TV was my nanny.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
I like telling people to "grow up" because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say "Took my advice I see"
No one is as ugly as their driver`s license, and nobody is attractive as their profile picture.
If I had known "cuties" were little oranges when my wife asked me to "bring a few home," I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
Dear Fruity Pebbles: Calorie content w/out milk is unnecessary. Anyone shoving dry Fruity Pebbles down their throat isn’t counting calories.
Drunk me would really appreciate a light switch on the floor.
Asked my wife if she would be my friend on FB again, she said no. She said my “funny” status updates are annoying. Therefore, I must conclude she loves me for my body...
I need a job that pays at least 10,000 dollars an hour.
When I`m bored, I like to superglue Doritos to my cat and make it run around the house like a stegosaurus.