Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Hey dude who flipped me off in the Subway parking lot for honking at you, you left your dinner on top of your car.
I was all "I`m not taking any sh!t from you" and she was all "to speak to a member of our customer service team, press 1".
If you blow out the kid`s Birthday candles at enough parties, people will just stop inviting you to them.
Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Send me a text like a normal person.
NERD WEDDING: Instead of saying “I do.” They say “I accept the terms & conditions.”
I don`t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Imagine all the amazing places you could take naps if you were Superman.
Love going into a crowded area and yelling, "Hey stupid!!" and seeing how many people turn around.
On a scale of 9 to 10, how would you rate me?
if a guy tells you you`re ugly ; he wants you, if a girl tells you your ugly; she`s jealouse, if you a kid tells you your`re ugly..... you`re ugly.
Some days should come with a warning label: This day is going to suck, bring alcohol.
popsicle sticks: $1. caramel: $3. onion: $1. watching ur kid bite into a caramel onion thinking its an apple: priceless.
I won employee of the month!!!…. again! I love being self employed.
Can I apologize in advance for basically everything I will ever do???