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Not sure what`s longer. A microwave minute or a treadmill minute.
I’m trusting a whole lot of people not to randomly murder me throughout the day.
Hey Samsung and Apple, no need for commercials. We’ve all chosen sides.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
When pornstars get up to speak in front of a large group, do they picture people with their clothes on?
Just used the "f word" over on FB so I`m waiting for the villagers with their torches, axes, whatever those people use.
I show my age when I`m in a club with all the 20 somethings.. Guess its because the last dance step I mastered was dancing like Gene Gene The Dancing Machine
Four out of five voices in my head are saying this is gonna´ be a great day.
I just bought Velcro shoes.... What a rip off!
I have a tremendous sex drive ... My girlfriend lives 25 miles away.
You know you`re a bad driver when Siri tells you "after 400 feet stop and let me out"
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
I love talking about nothing. It’s the only thing I know anything about.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won`t tell you what they`re wearing.
How do you make your wife scream during sex?? Call her and tell her about it.