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Hey ladies breastfeeding in public,...Why don`t you ever smile in my pictures?
I`ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don`t know karate.
Making everyone happy is impossible. But pissing them off is a piece of cake. I really like cake.
I bet more people would call the Gambling Addicts Helpline if they made every 5th caller a winner.
Boys are like roses, watch out for the pr!cks...
People say that marriage is a job...marriage is not a job, its a hobbie!! Dating while you`re married...that`s a job!!
Guests are coming over for Thanksgiving... Almost time to booby trap the medicine cabinet with marbles.
Last night I got drunk and ate 3 tennis balls by mistake, f*ck you Pringle`s.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions Note to self...avoid good intentions at all costs.
My New Year`s Resolution is to stop making late decisions.
Finally got my sh!t together... Now if I can just remember where I put it
Remember, children. The best way to get a puppy for Christmas is to beg for a baby brother.
If at first you don`t succeed, you`ll get a lot of free advice from folks who didn`t succeed either.
My Wife says I talk while I sleep..........but I`m skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it
I always wear a wedding ring when I go grocery shopping, so everyone thinks my cart full of groceries are for a family of 4 instead of just me