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Sometimes, I drink a glass of water, just to surprise my liver!
Watching a funny movie after watching a scary one too try to reduce the risk of nightmares.
I decided I`m not doing the whole clock-back routine this year. If you need me, I`ll be in the frickin future.
Answer your phone, "come in" just to mess with people once in a while. Count how many seconds it takes for them to respond.
thinks that drinking beer is the second-most satisfying thing a guy can do for himself with one hand.
Roses are red, violets are blue. god made me pretty,what happened to you?
Three guys walk into a bar. Two ended up with a concussion, the other needed 4 stitches.
Don`t talk to me like I`m stupid until you know for sure.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
Time flies when you`re throwing watches.
I`m sorry we fought ... I hate it when you`re wrong.
Today, my wife asked "would you still love me if I was ugly and fat." "Yes, honey I do." was not the right answer.
Bowling is my favorite sport because you don`t have to run and there`s beer five feet away.
Somebody needs to teach opportunity how to use a doorbell.
Why is it called a menstrual calendar and not a flow chart?