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I eat cake every day because I know somewhere out there, it`s someone`s birthday and I need to show respect.
When they say all expenses paid, does that include bail?
Just saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster, I had to step in, They couldn`t even lift him, We high-fived & laughed
You have your whole life to be an a$$hole...are you trying to use it all up in one day?
When cleaning my house: 1% Cleaning 30% Complaining 69% Playing with stuffs that I just found
Wife says to her husband, "You wanna change positions tonight?" He says, "Yeah!" she says, "OK, you do the dishes and I will sit on the couch and fart."
I`m going to start a band called "Free Beer" because when people see a sign that says "Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM" everyone is going to be there.
Sorry I missed your call ... I was to busy singing and dancing to the ringtone
Do the people inside mascot costumes also smile when they have their photos taken?
This coworker is about to find out walking around smiling on a Monday always leads to workplace accidents.
Don`t take nude pics. Problem solved.
Truthfully, I`d like you all a whole lot better if you were bacon.
I`m going to hire two private detectives to follow each other .
At least a stalker is there for you.