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Now that my kids are getting older, I`m worried I`ll never have the opportunity to leave my wife for the nanny.
Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle
Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
I fart because it`s the only gas I can afford.
If Starbucks delivered, I would be a morning person.
If you eat doughnuts fast enough your Fitbit thinks you`re walking.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that sh!t means but at least they`re not talking to you anymore.
Lets not kid ourselves, if the zombie apocalypse broke out, there are a couple people we would swear were zombies so we could shoot them
When it`s raining I don`t work, when its sunny I don`t work, when its cloudy I call in sick!
Apparently members of the Westboro Baptist Church were outside a theater when the marquee gave way and came crashing down injuring several of them amidst their protest. Witnesses overhead many of the members muttering to themselves, "It must be a sign."
It’d be hilarious to release a gorilla in a gorilla suit at the mall and see the look on security’s face when they pull off the mask.
The Roomba vacuum cleaner just beat me to a piece of popcorn I dropped on the floor & this is how the war against the machines begins.
“I need to stop,” I whispered as I clicked next episode.
I had your cake and ate it too.