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I wanna see Mythbusters do the bible.
When I see people jogging outside I like to drive slowly down the road behind them blasting “Eye of the Tiger” just to give them motivation.
My salad pic. got more likes than your selfie.
If you play my day at work backwards, its about an idiot getting less and less annoying
If you think you’ve hit rock bottom, the only thing that can cheer you up is bringing somebody else down with you.
I do procrastinate more than I should, but it always gives me something to do tomorrow...
If you`re sick and tired of every Asshole on Facebook asking you to copy and paste stuff as your status, please copy and paste this as your status.
I hate when I forget my sunglasses and get caught staring at a woman`s boobs for 20 minutes.
Yes I stalk you, but only as a friend.
Sorry ladies, but I already got my eyes on a woman who`s not interested.
People will believe anything if you whisper it.
Because it`s the season to give thanks, I would just like to say....you`re welcome.
Congratulation! You`ve won a lifetime supply of air! Not valid under water, in space, when dead, or while choking.
I can`t wait to miss the upcoming season of American Idol.
If my ceiling fan could hold my weight, I would never be bored again.