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I just saw a hot mom at McDonalds spank her kid after he threw his fries on the ground, so I threw my fries on the ground too.
Trail mix is just a reminder of how much better it would`ve been if I just ate a bag of M&M`s!
One man`s trash is another man`s profile picture.
"This is bullsh!t" - bull farmer giving barn tours
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
Alcohol is never the answer. Unless someone asked me, "What are you doing this weekend?"
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”. Problem solved.
WARNING: Objects in profile pics are not as pretty as they appear.
The only thing that makes me happy about the launch of a new model cell phone is that I can finally afford the previous model.
Please respect the revolving door speed that has already been established.
Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
The Internet: where no one is afraid to say the first thing that pops into their head.
I’m not going to vacuum until Sears makes one you can ride on.
According to maxipad commercials, all women are full of blue windshield washer fluid...
Cooking tip of the day: Rub your eyes BEFORE you dice the jalapenos...