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You`re never too old to learn something stupid.
"Everybody freeze!" -December
Why do we say "A word to the wise" when it`s the stupid ones who need it?
I spend 90% of my time at the gym choosing the right song for my workout.
Let me just flip this here omelette.... aaaaaand I`m having scrambled eegs
WTF, I feel like I pay these bills every month.
If you think someone is staring at you: 1. Yawn 2. If they yawn, they were staring.
You can´t trust dogs to watch your food.
I’m taking care of my procrastination issues; just you wait and see.
People who don`t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn`t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
They don`t say "Get down Mr. President" anymore. Now they just shout, "Donald Duck!"
If you ring my door bell you better be the pizza guy or a sexy naked lady ... with a pizza.
My husband`s wife is freakin` awesome!
I`m starting to wish I were a werewolf so I`d have a better reason for waking up nude in public with no memory of how I got there.