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You know you`ve won the argument when the other person responds with "Whatever..."
Do gun manuals have Trouble Shooting sections?
How many men does it take to open a beer? None! It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
I can still remember a time when I knew more than my phone
I don’t like being told what to do unless I’m naked.
I don`t know what I would do without you, but I bet it`s awesome.
Everything is so much funnier when you`re not allowed to laugh.
If you need me I`ll always be stuck behind the person who doesn`t know how to use the CVS self-checkout aisle.
Don’t be too flattered. If I’ve come up a fun nickname for you, chances are it’s because I’ve forgotten your real name. Sorry, Cowboy.
My kids constantly yell at me whenever I try take their pictures, and I tell `em: "You`re gonna need them in 20 years for your Throw Back Thursdays updates"..... whatever!!
Bulimia: Twice the taste. Zero Calories.
Dear Tequila, you were supposed to make me funnier, smarter and a better dancer. I saw the video, we need to talk.
I`ve accidentally swallowed a load of scrabble pieces.........My next poop could spell trouble.
After watching "Breaking Bad" and the VMAs in the same night, I think I`d rather my kid be a meth dealer than a musician.
I think the lady at the movies is "shushing" me, but I can`t tell because I`m eating Doritos.