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Today`s big idea - Coffee eye drops
I pack an hour before leaving for a trip but unpacks 3 months after coming home
I don`t try to annoy people; its just a gift.
I must say I enjoy it more when a girl asks me out. To me, there`s nothing more attractive than that high level of confidence, initiative, and poor judgment.
I don’t approve of political jokes. I’ve seen too many of them get elected.
I just realized that the only time I`m good at dancing is when I`m about to pee my pants
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated...go figure.
Why is it that whenever you dial a wrong number, somebody always answers?
I once ran a Half Marathon. Well, I say that because it sounds better than saying I collapsed and almost died halfway through a Full Marathon.
Scared some Jehovah`s Witnesses today by going to the door completely naked. I`m not sure what scared them more, me being totally naked or the fact that I knew where they lived.
Jack daniel was found dead by johnie walker at castle strt under savanna tree,captain morgan believed dat he was killed by strongbow.his 4cuzns said that he was best in j&b club at knights...
Hey mother in law.... Don`t tell me how to raise my kids. Im still trying to raise yours.
I could totally handle twins, triplets even quadruplets. Hold it, you`re talking about BABIES?
When someone is murdered, they always investigate the spouse 1st. And that pretty much tells you everything you need to know about marriage.
No Grandma, "sausage fest" is not a new special breakfast at IHOP