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What do you call a guy who makes "Woman in the Kitchen" jokes? Single.
I just got gas for $1.79... Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell.
This hangover feels like Quentin Tarantino directed it.
I forgot to pay my bill to the exorcist and so I got re-possesed.
When I`m bored, I dress up as Waldo, walk up to strangers (in a crowded airport), and say "psssst... if ANYBODY asks......YOU ain`t seen me... capiche?"
One thing I think the world can agree upon… Any day when you can stay in pajamas the whole time is a good day.
If the cigarette tax is meant to discourage smoking, is the income tax meant to discourage working?
If you think I wrote this status update in the nude, you`re wrong. I`m wearing a sombrero and a candy necklace.
I don`t like country music, but I don`t mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means `put down`.
I think the Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day.
If your girlfriend says she`s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall...You might be dating my wife.
My New Years Eve = Hangover 4
I hate it when I tell someone I`ll be there in 10 minutes, but they continue to call me every half-hour anyway
"Huh?" (my thought for the day)
Just saw the previews for the movie Taken 3, you would think by now he would`ve gave his daughter self-defense and gun lessons?