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Computer froze? Just press all the keys.
It’s amazing how little information I need on someone before I decide I don’t like them.
When I was young I could climb mountains, these days I have to steady myself to fart.
Sometimes I like to hold the door for people who are far away so they feel obligated to run just a little. ;)
I love arguing with you so much, I`ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
Helpful Tip: You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
If tomatoes are a fruit, then ketchup is a smoothie.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and I haven`t pooped it out yet ... Really scared now!
have you ever noticed `lol` looks like a drowning person?
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
I really hope my spirit animal is a bear because well I would love to hibernate all winter.
Help I`m covered in chameleons & no one believes me
Why does the person who snores always fall asleep first?
I just don`t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
There`s a pretty good chance I`ll end up being one of those senior citizens who randomly bites people...