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If it`s true that opposites attract, I should be looking for someone that gets up early and does stuff
Siri, destroy the vehicle in front of me.
Thank goodness I`m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can`t blame it on the alcohol.
"I didn`t get your text" is the new "my dog ate my homework"
Pringles cans should have a twist mechanism like stick deodorant.
His idea of cleanliness is sweeping the room with a glance.
Women are fascinated by mythical creatures like unicorns, vampires, and men who are good listeners...
I wonder how many 5 Hour Energy`s it would take to levitate?
Saw a bug crawling on my arm and my reaction can only be described as “grabbing for swirling dollars inside a plexiglas Cash Cube.”
It could be worse. Spiders could have wings.
My therapist says I`m a clueless, un-observant trainwreck. Which is weird because up until this moment, I never even knew he was a therapist.
I feel like I`ve passed my "Best If Used By date."
If I had a time machine, I`d just keep going back every 8-9 hours so I could sleep more.
A movie ticket for a baby should cost at least $50.
They said money can`t by happiness. But it can buy tattoos, car parts, and beer. What else could we need?