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You do realize everyone can see your status right?
My Bills are so big that I have to call them William now.
I’d get a lot more sleep if I didn’t insist on reading the entire internet every night.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
Somehow, hitting the "end call" button on the cell phone just doesn`t feel nearly as good as the old days when you could slam the phone down on somebody.
Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
It`s frustrating to know, I`ll never experience the exhilaration of getting to meet me.
Pork is awesome, but it`s best when used as a verb.
Remember, I`m always here if you need shoulders for your ankles to lie on.
I could be a morning person....if morning happened around noon.
Putting your finger on someone`s lips and saying "Shhhh... Not another word" is super-romantic. But the cops didn`t think so.
Don`t send me a ;) face and then wonder why I show up at your house naked.
Write me your opinions on this extra soft paper and leave it next to my toilet.
Having the worst day ever. All traffic lights I passed were green so I had to stop on the side of the road to check my Facebook like some caveman.
Sorry I got really drunk and ended up being really mouthy and offensive at your party next week.