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To be honest, I panic a bit right before I have to pronounce Worcestershire sauce.
You gotta push yourself. Do 15 push-ups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Eat an entire cake instead of just one piece. Burn your ex`s house down. I believe in you!
You know you`re getting older when you play GTA and spend 3 hours just walking around the map trying to find where you parked your car.
My fortune cookie read "End of roll. Replace"
Its ironic how the colors Red, White and Blue represent freedom... until they are flashing behind your back.
All alcohol will make my clothes fall off… tequila just makes that happen in public.
My kids are always accusing me of having a "favorite child" which is ridiculous because I don`t really like any of them.
Sometimes you have to flip out and go bat sh!t crazy to make a point.
if your looking for love sorry to disappoint you im already in a relationship with fun and freedom. :-)
Just watched (insert title of horror movie) and it wasn`t scary at all. The crap in my pants is a pure coincidence.
That awkward moment when you sing the wrong part of a song with confidence.
Karma may "work" but I think that bitch takes a lot of days off
You can tell how old someone is by what part of the chex mix is their favorite.
I always hit the "no receipt" button at the ATM because I don`t need that negativity in my life.
Handy tip for new parents : Wake up your baby by gently resting your head on a pillow.