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I wish my kids came with a handbook.... Hardcover, preferably. So I have something to hit them with.
At long last, I`ve finished my research into the effect alcohol has on physical movement.....The results were, quite frankly, staggering.
Do you ever just look at a girl and instantly know she posts her daily horoscope on Facebook and quotes Marilyn Monroe?
Shout out to Pringles for never giving us a half can of air.
As long as there is an open textbook in front of you, nobody will question what you are doing on your laptop.
Beer is like sex. When it’s good it’s good…when it’s bad it’s still pretty good.
My wife went home to visit her mother today. Or as I refer to it. Her “bitch refresher course”.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash.
I’m not shy, I’m just really good out figuring out who is not worth talking to.
yelling at the referee that he made a mistake has never worked, No Referee has never turned around and said, "Why yes your are right silly me I did make a mistake, penalty denied, goal kick"
You know it`s cold outside when during rush hour you get the mitten instead of the finger.
If a guy stares at your boobs, just stare at his d!ck ... maybe squint a little bit
Being an American is awesome. The end.
When I was a boy, Mom would send me down to the corner store with $1 and I would get 5 bags of potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, some cheese and 6 eggs. You can`t do that now, to many damn security cameras!
I speak my mind because it hurts to bite my tongue.