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I put the pro in inappropriate.
My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.
Whoever invented marriage was creepy as hell. Like, hey you, I love you so much, I`m gonna get the government involved so you can`t leave.
I`ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
There’s nothing wrong with enjoying free samples at the grocery store. Just make sure they’re samples. And free. And it’s a grocery store.
Marriage is just a 50 year long negotiation over thermostat settings.
I`m considering buying a racehorse and naming it, "My Face". Just so I can hear everyone in the stands scream "Come on, My face!!"...
Say what you want about Captain Hook, but he ran that entire pirating operation singlehandedly.
Why do we feel safe under blankets? It`s not like a murderer will come in thinking "I`m gonna ki..- ahh damn! He`s under a blanket
My plan for today? Same as always: Drink coffee and be sexy.
I know how to wink my eye in like twelve different languages.
It`s been rough today, right now I`m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that`s not your Ferrari?
Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
I`ve dieted and worked out enough to realize that the only way I`m getting smokin` hot is by getting cremated.