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And for my next magic trick, I`ll walk down a street and turn into a bar.
You hate me? I didn’t even know you existed.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
I was the hot single in my area the whole time.
Now that I think about it... Facebook became popular ever since I made an account.
I`d take a stupid dog over a stupid person any day.
Spent 40 minutes on the treadmill this morning. Next time I might turn it on.
If it wasn`t for physics and law enforcement, I`d be unstoppable.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
I don’t care what women say, size matters in bed. The bigger the bed the more room you have to move around.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker? Now they just mean that you`re 3 and your parents are idiots.
Sometimes, my greatest accomplishment is just keeping my mouth shut.
Nobody expects you to post brilliance. Just be yourself, with the occasional intent of bringing shame to your entire family.
Well, if you`re going to question my reputation and credentials as a gynecologist,I suggest you get the hell out of my office van.
Putting ketchup on steak should also affect your credit score.