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I`m allergic to stupidity ... which is why I break out in to sarcasm.
Nothing says "high-functioning alcoholic" like being really good at darts.
I`ve taken my kids all over the country, but their favorite place to be is still "in the way."
Being a pizza delivery driver is great because literally no one is disappointed to see you
Dear life, I`ve had enough bullsh!t to last a while. Can we take a little break please.
Don`t look at me in that tone of voice...
Crazy people are never aware of their own insanity. Iβm so glad Iβm not a crazy person.
When will math grow up and start solving its own problems
If someone says βyouβre funnyβ instead of laughing, youβre not.
Drunk is when you feel sophisticatedβ¦but canβt pronounce it.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
Never hire an Electrician with no eyebrows
If I didn`t drink, then how would everyone know how much I love them at 2am?
Why arenβt mustaches called mouth brows?
When your Dr. says "I`ll need to Google that"..... it`s time to change Doctors