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Anyone who believes that children are our future has not been to a mall recently.
Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus.
You’d think “attractive neighbor leaves curtains open” would appear in more real estate listings.
Most people decide to have scramble eggs immediately after thinking: "I`ll just flip this omelette"
is in no shape to exercise
Scientists say the Universe is made up of Protons, Neutrons and Electrons... They forgot to add Morons.
Anytime my boss leaves her office, I sneak in there and fart.
BEFORE I GET DRUNK, NAKED,THROWN IN JAIL AND LOOSE MY DAMN PHONE. *HAPPY NEW YEAR.
The only thing actually impossible in life is taking a picture for a group of women and having ALL of them like it.
Why do people have to get ready for bed? I’m always ready for bed
Eating Popcorn: 90% during the trailers. 10% during the movie.
That horrible moment when the TV commercials are so long that you forget what you’re watching…
The awkward moment when you realise you’re wrong in an argument, but you keep arguing anyway.
I look forward to paying off all my debt so I can get back to just being broke
When your Dr. says "I`ll need to Google that"..... it`s time to change Doctors