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I`m allergic to stupidity ... which is why I break out in to sarcasm.
Nothing says "high-functioning alcoholic" like being really good at darts.
I`ve taken my kids all over the country, but their favorite place to be is still "in the way."
Being a pizza delivery driver is great because literally no one is disappointed to see you
Dear life, I`ve had enough bullsh!t to last a while. Can we take a little break please.
Don`t look at me in that tone of voice...
Crazy people are never aware of their own insanity. I’m so glad I’m not a crazy person.
When will math grow up and start solving its own problems
If someone says “you’re funny” instead of laughing, you’re not.
Drunk is when you feel sophisticated…but can’t pronounce it.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
Never hire an Electrician with no eyebrows
If I didn`t drink, then how would everyone know how much I love them at 2am?
Why aren’t mustaches called mouth brows?
When your Dr. says "I`ll need to Google that"..... it`s time to change Doctors