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When I was little we didn`t have emojis. We had to put smiley face stickers on handwritten letters like a bunch of savages.
Yankee Doodle went to town, riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
What did the Japanese man say to the other Japanese man? Something in Japanese,
It`s really quite simple ... I do what I want! ... The End.
First world problems: I couldn’t hear the TV so I had to stop eating chips.
The only way I want to see your ultrasound picture is if you`re having a velociraptor.
I have just one thing to ask you people who say the memory is the first thing to go: What did I come in here for?
You can tell a lot about someone by whether they read HP as horsepower or hit points.
Just found out the government won`t hire you past age 37. Scratch Navy SEAL off my to do list
I wish I had my own private chauffeur. . . . Then I could really commit to being an alcoholic!
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
Applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Life is just better when you’re laughing.
Did you know dryer sheets double as toilet paper and leave your a$$ smelling like meadows and rain drops?
2015 and I still can`t believe it`s not butter!