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How many men does it take to open a beer? None! It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
I`m going to get one of those "My Family" stick figure decals for the back of my car. It`s going to be me, a bottle of whiskey, and a pizza.
I`d love to have a sex change. Preferably from `none` to `absolutely sh!tloads`.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it´s still on the list.
I don`t get why he counts the beer before he leaves to work... There`s never any left when he comes home.
I keep graphic, full frontal nude pictures of myself on my cell phone in case anyone ever hacks it. That`ll teach `em.
Whoa. I just did something & almost forgot to document it on facebook. That was a close one.
How come we can put a man on the moon but we can`t made a smoke alarm that can differentiate between a house fire and cooking sausages?
I`m going crazy! Get in, you`re riding shotgun!
I have finally conquered my annoying habit of repeatedly pressing the snooze button every morning by programming my alarm clock to play lullabies!
FACT: There’s always room for another cupcake.
If there`s a "Mr." in front of your cat`s name you`re going to die alone.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I`m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
Being unsure has never stopped me from making a decision.
I didn`t see anyone important today, so I`ll probably wear these same clothes tomorrow.