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I wish my money would have sex in my wallet and multiply
Son to mom: why should I sweep the floor? Mom to son: do you want to be an Olympic Curl champion?
I will never be to old to laugh when somone farts in a public bathroom peeing..
Finger Prints on Super Bowl Trophy to be used in dozens of criminal investigations
[takes out checkbook][clicks pen] Alright, how much to make these Bit Strips to go away forever.
The person that named the eggplant probably isn’t allowed to name things anymore.
I couldn`t help but notice that I would like to have sex with you more frequently!
Job interview `What is your biggest weakness?` `Honesty` `I don`t think honesty is a weakness` `I don`t give a flying *#(@ what you think!`
I was hooked on auctions after only going once... going twice
I don`t know why they call it Everclear. I drink that stuff and everything is a blur.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous
Cats would be even more stuck up if they knew how much the internet loves them.
People who enjoy life, rarely have a flat stomach.
I`ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I`ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can`t reach the remote.
Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait