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There are 2 types of people that annoy me: Drunk people, when I`m sober. Sober people, when I`m drunk.
I don`t know what`s scarier. Houses with Halloween decorations or houses that still have up Christmas decorations from last year.
my cross-eyed girlfriend left me today. She was seeing someone else.
I`m sorry I hurt your feelings. When I called you stupid, I really thought you already knew..
trying to do something before the microwave is finished is sort of like trying to complete the countdown maths problem on countdown...
Coffee: fueling you for a job you can`t stand to support a life you never wanted. Tastes good though...
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting...
Relationships are like yard sales. They look good from a distance, but once you get there it`s just a bunch of sh!t you don`t really need.
I just burned 1200 calories.I forgot the pizza in the oven.
It`s not karma, you`re just an idiot.
When people say they work like a dog, I look at mine and think they must mean they just lay around all day and poop wherever they feel like.
I am sweet, lovable, kind, shy, and innocent ... Oh, for heaven`s sake! Stop laughing!
Weekends r like d salary.. It takes a lot to get thr, & whn it finally does, it`s over in no time ;) - aa