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Boobs are a lot like train sets, they were meant for kids, but dad always ends up wanting to play with them.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
I`m really good at making poor decisions. You`re my favorite so far.
When I see names carved into a tree I don’t think it’s cute, I just think its strange how many people take knives on a date.
"Grapey." -me after every wine at the wine-tasting
If the shampoo and conditioner in her shower are not the same brand GET THE F*CK OUT, SHE`S A MAN!
Life is tough. It’s even tougher if you’re stupid.
Why is it that when you work very hard, you say you are working like a dog? Every dog I`ve ever known is lazy and sleeps 16 hours a day.
Don`t you just a hate it when you stumble into bed drunk only to be nagged by someone screaming "Get out" or "You live next door!"
Just saw 2 homeless guys hitting eachother with cardboard... PILLOW FIGHT!
That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is “act natural, you’re innocent”.
Be nice to nerds. You`ll probably be working for them one day
The key to my heart is shaped like a bottle opener.
Sometimes, entire relationships can be chalked up to, "that weird thing I did for a while."
A sure cure for sea-sickness is to sit under a tree.