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I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they`re hatching some kind of evil plan.
Note To Self: Even if someone really needs it, strangling them is still illegal.
The hardest thing about returning to work after a long weekend is remembering to fart quietly.
My kid’s teacher told me my kid is obsessed with video games and that I need to work with her on it. I’m like I do. I’m player 2.
You don’t look like 200 likes in person.
I`m not everyone`s cup of tea ... I`d rather be someone`s shot of tequila away.
If kids get money for losing teeth, what do I get for all this hair I’m losing?
You know that chick who said, "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?"... Yeah, well I ate her.
Exercise? I thought you said "extra fries".
She was rare, like an onion ring in french fries
B!tch Please, your only fan is the one on your ceiling.
I`m not saying my ex wasn`t pretty, but every time my wallet got stolen the thief would return her picture.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
Keep the dream alive, hit the snooze button.
FOR SALE: P90X® home fitness kit, still in box, $50 or will trade for king size Snickers