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I left work in slow motion but it didn’t blow up behind me.
My dad said if I don`t get of facebook in 3 seconds he would jab my face into the keyboahajsirksjapquebxm
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
I don`t know why beer companies bother with an expiration date. It`s never going to make it anywhere near that.
"Being naked isn`t fun" - said no one ever.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024....
"You drive me to drink!!!" ~Me shouting to the taxi driver.
If by "help decorate the tree" you mean drinking beer on the couch yelling out everything you`re doing wrong, then yeah, count me in.
My predictive text dictionary doesn’t have “tsunami”, so if you ever get a text from me that says “trumang” start running.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
When you "pretend speak" to someone in the background while ordering takeout so that the restaurant doesn`t judge your big order for one.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Life should be more like Hockey. If somebody pisses you off, you beat the sh!t out of them, then sit in a penalty box for 5 minutes
Ever noticed that `beer can` in a british accent sounds exactly like `bacon` in a jamaican accent?
Tried to donate blood today but they had too many questions about where I got it.