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BEER! The official sponsor of hot days!
Some people need to calm down, take a deep breath and then hold it for 20 minutes.
Tonight’s forecast. Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out.
Your boyfriend has long hair too. I sometimes have trouble figuring out who the girl is in the relationship.
I`ve been told that I never take responsibility for anything, and it`s all your fault.
Bring a CD into my car that I "have to hear" and I`ll figure out a way to deploy the passenger side airbags
Weird how “news” and “fact checking” are treated like two separate concepts these days.
Dear IRS…I would like an itemized receipt showing me exactly how every one of my tax dollars is being spent. Thanks.
Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave your house.
It`s always the darkest before dawn. So if you are going to steal your neighbor`s newspaper that`s the best time to do it.
The best things in life can`t be seen or touched....well, at least that`s what the restraining order says.
Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
Thanks to yesterday`s chili, I can definitively tell you that there are 242 tiles in this bathroom stall.
Milk Duds: When you want some candy but also crave a dislocated jaw
One night, as I as lying in bed, I looked up at the stars and thought to myself: "What the f#ck happened to the roof?"