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I put mirrors on the ceiling because I like to see how I look when I`m eating pizza alone.
You know you are old when your parties have glasses instead of red plastic cups.
My dad said if I don`t get of facebook in 3 seconds he would jab my face into the keyboahajsirksjapquebxm
I’ve been a sucker for boobies since the day I was born.
I couldn’t believe it yesterday, when I came home and was told by my wife that my 5-year-old son wasn’t actually mine. She says that I need to pay more attention when picking him up from school…
You know you`re getting old when one huge fart throws out your back.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Shout out to old people for graduating high school without Google.
Winning isn`t everything. Rubbing it in the face of your opponent is also important.
Dear naps, I`m sorry I was such a jerk to you as a kid.
Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
A high school diploma takes you 12 years to get, 2 minutes to frame and a lifetime to forget where you put it.
Currently under the influence of cold and flu medicine...my actions can not be held against me!
Everyone`s self worth should only be measured by how useful they would be in the zombie apocalypse.
The longer I sit in this drive-thru, the more pennies I’m going to pay with.