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Is a roasted peanut like a regular peanut that was made fun of by celebrity peanuts?
God is creative, I mean just look at me.
I was bored of doing the same thing day in and day out,so I phoned the "Local Ramblers Club"....but the guy on the other end of the phone just went on and on and on!
I think salads help you lose weight because they`re gross and you end up not eating them
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box? What else could possibly be in there???
Raising teenagers is easy, they sleep 16 hours day, eat the other 8, and the only word in their vocab is "ok"
I bet Snowmen think it`s weird that the ground is completely covered in their skin.
I liked you a lot more before I met you.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There`s no episode where a man asks a woman `what`s wrong?`
If someone tells you "it`s better than sex" they`re not doing the sex right.
I`m too lazy to ever write a biography. Story of my life.
My therapist says I`m paranoid, which is exactly what you might expect from a shapeshifting lizard hired by the CIA to track my whereabouts.
You bring the friendship, I`ll bring the benefits.
I know 3 facts about you: 1.You can’t say ‘M’ without your lips touching. 2.You’re trying it now looking like an idiot. 3. Now you’re smiling
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.