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Lets face it we have all tried to get something done before the microwave timer goes off.
I don´t like people who can´t make fun of themselves. It means more work for me.
When your wife or girlfriend asks,"Do I look fat?" the ONLY correct response is, "Do I look stupid?
No YouP*rn… I do not want to play poker, I’m at work for crying out loud.
I wonder how often I’ve narrowly avoided death without even noticing.
If cockroaches can survive atomic bombs and chemical warfare, what the f*ck is in a can of Raid?
MY 8 YEAR OLD: "Walrus testicles are called walnuts."
Drinking coffee is a fun way to become dependent on paying money to wake up.
I`m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn`t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Fast way to mess up someones Knock Knock joke? "It`s open."
People ask me why I don`t have any tattoos and I respond with, would you put a bumper sticker on a Ferrari?
Some people repeat themselves when they`re drunk & some people repeat themselves when they`re drunk.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It`s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
is it rude to throw a breath-mint in someone`s mouth while they are talking?
Write me your opinions on this extra soft paper and leave it next to my toilet.