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My girlfriend said that I should use the term `make love` instead of `f*ck.` What the make love is she talking about?
You can`t fix stupid but you can divorce it
Siri, destroy the vehicle in front of me.
Who`s up for some curling in my driveway?
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself was clearly never married.
I need a Shazam app for people I`m supposed to recognize but can`t remember
If I pat you on the back, there`s a 99% chance that I`m only using you as a napkin
I got BOMBED last night and decided to do my own taxes and guess what! I`m getting 4 million dollars back this year!
MY 8 YEAR OLD: "Walrus testicles are called walnuts."
The majority of Americans support sending Congress to Syria.
I knew I was going to jail when I yanked at the cop pants and they didn`t tear away ..
Is it yoga if you wear sweatpants all day and then hunch over the garbage can as you eat a burrito?
I wonder if the girls on "16 and pregnant," will come back on "32 and a Grandma."
i hate that the sun comes up so early
I hate when people passive-aggressively post vague, indirect statuses. You know who you are...