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liquor stores should sell Shamwows.. I bet they would conquer any challenge alcohol can conjure up. spills.. puke.. all kinds of messes.
I`m an organ donor, but I`m pretty sure all they`re going to use my liver for is "after" photos.
I wish Tony the Tiger would burst into a raisin commercial and yell “They’re graaaapes!”
“Are you completely sure this isn’t textable?” -the perfect voicemail prompt.
I`m a bad multitasker and even a questionable monotasker
Keys to a good friendship. Same taste in alcohol. Different taste in women.
Thanks for accepting my friend request on Facebook, even though is was solely so I could gain full access to your profile and judge your life choices.
Life is funnier when you have a dirty mind. ;)
Lay-Z: My rapper name.
I just finished writing an article on "How To Improve Your Memory"- But I forgot where I kept it!!
Very little scares me. So does very big.
This is how my week goes: Mooooooooooooonday Tuuuuuuuuuuuuesday Weeeeeeeeeeednesday Thuuuuuuuuuuursday FridaySaturdaySunday.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells "CODE RED, CODE RED" really loud then people scurry like mad.
"in other news… it turns out being mayor of Toronto is all that its cracked up to be" - George T. Ignace
Porn can be so misleading. I quit my pizza delivery job after two days.