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This is my Facebook status. There are many like it but this one is mine.
Yeah but why do they call him Bigfoot if both of his feet are the exact same size
I think the tie was invented by someone who wanted to express how he felt about work but thought an actual noose was too obvious.
Kleptomaniacs always take things literally.
hmm ... I wonder what I´m thinking?
You can`t fix stupid, but you can always drink more beer.
Very productive day today, turd-wise
I`m not the cat lady type. I`m more like an actual cat. I want affection when I want it and on my terms. The rest of the time I want to claw out your eyes and piss in your shoe.
All you need is WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn`t move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn`t, use the tape.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I`d like to read a medication bottle and see "May cause extreme sexiness."
People are like snowflakes. If you piss on them they go away.
Why Couldn`t Snoop Dogg & Dr.Dre Get On The Bus ... Because They Forgot 50 Cent
Autocorrect changed "you`re so wise" to "you`re so wide", and now I need to find a good hiding spot before my wife comes home.
My goal today is to turn actions into thoughts.
I hope my liquor store is having an after Christmas sale!!