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They should turn off Netflix at 1:00am for people with jobs and no willpower....bastards
I’d be more motivated to work out if the stationary bikes had a little basket to hold my snacks and beer.
Things were said. Feelings were hurt. Your car was set on fire. My point is you’re wrong & Raphael isn’t the best Ninja Turtle. Get over it.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
The hardest thing about looking for work is the sobriety.
Imagine this: You`re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers `Bless you` and hangs up.
Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn`t doing his part of the chores around here
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Who needs Halloween decorations when I can just put up my selfies?
Due to the rise in the economy, the position 69 will now be 96, due to the higher cost of eating out.
Candy Crushers keep inboxing me saying that they need "lives" as if I didn`t already know that.
If you see a girl or guy post pictures of their cat you know they`re single.
Answering all questions with "but you ain`t got no legs Lieutenant Dan" stops people from asking you questions.
Snails would be terrifying if they moved quickly.
Actions speak louder than words, unless those words are spoken by a drunken woman.