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When I was a kid…no wait, I still do that.
I`m now at the age where if I see a nice nursing home, I make a mental note of it.
You can tell by a woman`s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
Hey Guys! I havent seen you since last year!(;
If you don’t count any of my failures, I’m quite successful.
I love the phrase "boobie trapped" I mean, who doesn`t like to be trapped by boobies????
this isn`t the status you`re looking for
You know why it`s called almond milk? Cuz you can`t say nut juice with a straight face
I didn’t say “what?” because I can’t hear you. I was giving you a chance to change what you said.
Suddenly my prison fantasy football league just got real.
Why don`t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
Half a dozen: because “six” is way to long.
My chemistry teacher asked us what the heaviest metal was today. Apparently "Megadeath" was the wrong answer.
People ask me why I don`t have tattoos. Seriously, would you put a bumper sticker on a Lambourghini?
“Until death do us part,” means we will all be single in heaven, right?