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Nothing is as scary as logging into Facebook and seeing someone you were secretly with last night has uploaded a new album.
Hey movie villains - make a bomb where the wires are all one color.
My wife said we should try some role reversal in bed last night. So I said I had a headache.
Kinda bummed that every Christmas for the last 12 years, I`ve been way too drunk to remember all the good times and the laughter we shared. Well, I leaned my lesson. It`s time to get my act together for the family. This Christmas, I`m hiring a cameraman.
Got a little too much sun today. I knew I should have closed the blinds.
A reality show where a couple wins $10 million dollars if they show nobody a picture of their baby for the first 2 years.
Every club is a strip club, if you have the money. Every zoo is a petting zoo, if you have the balls.
I just read the words "untimely death" and thought, "Man, I hope my death is timely."
If I could time travel, I`d make sure the guy who made up the word Walkie-Talkie got to name more things.
If I get an e-mail from you that says "Sent from my Blackberry" at the bottom, please understand that I`m not going to respond. I can only assume that you sent it in 2006.
Got tasered at speed dating again.
Grown up pandas eat for 12 hours a day. In related news, it turns out I’m not fat. I’m a panda.
Happy Birthday to someone I would donate some non-essential organs to, and the fact that a Facebook reminder told me it was your birthday doesn´t make it any less special. Plus I live so far away that your birthday requires almost no effort on my part. And sorry I tried to kill you all those times when we were
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
They say love is in every corner… Then my life must be a freakin’ circle.