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Sanity is so overrated. I mean, it`s a nice place to visit, but I wouldn`t want to live there....
I woke up this morning with a glass of water on my bedside table with a note saying “for hungover me” I drank it and it was vodka. Drunk me can be such an asshole!
I wish there was more BitStrips and photos of giraffes on my Facebook
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM child
A colon is used to indicate a list of elements to the sentence preceding it. A semicolon is for making winky faces.
Don`t pick on Aquaman! The crime rate underwater is pretty damn low the last time I checked.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
didn`t get much sleep last night, I tried counting sheep but they kept cutting in line, confused the hell outta me!!
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming... 1. Whenever you`re wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you`re right, shut up.
Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous. I see a lot of new faces in the room this week and I`m very disappointed with all of you.
Happy 4th of July ! ... It`s a holiday. You know what that means... Ten million status updates saying the exact same thing. Get ready.
Where is the button to restart summer?
My friend David had his ID stolen yesterday. We just call him Dav now
Going to make pizza for dinner!! Ingredients Required: Phone, Menu & Credit Card.. Ohhh I can smell it cooking already!! ;)
Nothing says you mean business more than putting on a bib before you eat a girl out