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I always read my wife`s Horoscope to see what kind of day I`M going to have...!!
I like candlelit dinners, long walks on the beach and hardcore pornography.
Can anyone recommend a good movie to kinda listen to while I stare at my phone?
I`m a multi-tasking procrastinator. I can put off a bunch of sh!t all at the same time.
Scientists have recently discovered that approximately 2% of Earth`s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
Life is short, break the rules, forgive quickly, kiss slowly, love truly, laugh uncontrollably and never regret anything that made you smile ?
Just watched The Grey. The wolves left half the Mexican .. to spicy??
As funny as it might be, It`s never polite to yell "Tuba Lesson!" Before farting.
A cop comes up to a man on the street. Cop: Seen anything unusual? Man: A dolphin with a hat once. Cop: I mean around here. Man: No, they live in water.
Why aren’t mustaches called mouth brows?
Spiderman is just another guy who ends up with sticky hands and covered in white stuff after being on the web.
I`ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can`t find his nuggets.
If I ever get to an age where the music from the ice cream truck doesn`t make me excited, pull the plug.
I have a confession to make... "I want to get back with my ex"...LOL Just Kidding..."I`d rather shit in my hands and clap !"
How many exercise/workout videos does a person have to buy before seeing results?