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The meek shall inherit the earth. Probably because they`re the only ones who won`t complain about what we`ve done to it.
I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible. But pissing off everyone is fun and easy.
Instead of calling in sick, call in well. Tell them how great you feel not having to go to work today.
I broke up with my cross-eyed girlfriend today.......i felt like that bitch was seeing someone else.
Dear alcohol we had a deal where you were supposed to make me cool, sexy, charming and a great dancer........I seen a video......we need to talk.
Reminiscing isn’t as fun as it used to be.
Does anyone know how much water I`m supposed to add to this baby powder, to make an infant?
Shall I compare thee to a Summer`s Eve? For thou art a douche.
Worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but doesn’t get you anywhere.
just wanted to tell the weekend that I love you and I will be back, I will not let the weekdays take me away from you.
I went for a run tonight. Sure, it was a beer run, but I did break a sweat.
The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers make any f*cking sense.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces.
When it comes to f*cking around, I don`t f*ck around.
If women kept their feelings to themselves would they explode? Guess we`ll never know.