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I always laugh at myself. If I didn´t, everyone else would be having fun without me.
I saved someone`s life today. Well, I resisted the urge to strangle the life out of some idiot. That`s the same thing, right?
I’m classically trained in the art of Nintendo.
Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advise.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop and where to spend it
What`s a burnt pizza, frozen beer, & a pregnant girl have in common? In each scenario, there`s a dumb guy who didn`t take it out in time.
In my experience, most arguments are caused by a misunderstanding of the fact that I`m right.
Of all the martial arts, Karaoke inflicts the most pain.
It only takes 3.5 inches to please a woman, it doesn`t matter if its Visa or Mastercard.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
Those who tell you not to run with scissors are just trying to steal your scissors. Run.
There’s no worse feeling than realizing your wife has fallen asleep & you’ve spent the last 20 minutes watching Real Housewives by yourself.
Did anyone else go into a furious, violent rage when they found out that George Lucas filmed most of Star Wars here on Earth?
WebMD auto dialed an ambulance when I entered my chicken nugget intake.
Odd Fact: The names of characters in Inception are: Dom, Robert, Eames, Arthur, Mal and Saito. Note the first letters = DREAMS.