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I leave notes on people’s windshields telling them I smashed their car and did an amazing job fixing it.
Why doesn’t McDonalds have an order taking microphone on both sides of the car, yet?
Good morning to some...Hello to others...And f*uck you to the rest!!
I made a New Years Resolution to gain 20 lbs, so I can relish in the sense of accomplishment and success!
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people.
Cleavage is like the sun. You can look, but don’t stare.. Unless you’re wearing sunglasses.
The key to eating healthy is to avoid any food that has a TV commercial.
They say a dog park is a great place to pick up girls. I don`t have a dog so I am walking around with a bag of poop so I won`t look weird.
What would I give the woman who has everything? Well, my phone number for a start.
Nobody pissed me off today... I got to get out more.
Him: What to play Trivial Pursuit? Her: Sure, But I,m not that smart. Him: What to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
Last night I was walking the sexiest girl ever home until she turned around and saw me.
If my walls could talk, they`d probably say "stop running into me you idiot"
When I go into a bar I shout out "YOU CHEATING WHORE!" Whoever turns around is who I`m buying drinks for.
Nothing says " My divorce didn`t go as planned " quite like the guy with grocery bags hanging on the sides of his bicycles handlebars