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God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and ten million dollars.
To error is human, to forgive is divine, to keep your damn mouth shut is much appreciated.
These last 7 hours at work are always the longest.
Yes we`re friends on facebook but that`s where it ends, stop trying to talk to me in real life... mom
Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! -Librarians arguing
My boss is having a colonoscopy today. I sure hope they find his head.
It`s so hot I have my air condition set on bankruptcy.
I didn’t scream out someone else’s name during sex. I was thinking of baby names in case you get pregnant…
My phone dies faster than a black man in a horror film.
If you`re having second thoughts, you`re 2 ahead of most people.
I like how the package for cotton swabs says don`t put them in your ears and everyone in the world is thinking: "WTF else would I do with them?!"
Thanksgiving: "Let`s give thanks for the stuff we have." Black Friday: "Ok, let`s get all new stuff."
And suddenly those annoying neighbors that leave their Christmas lights up all year long look like geniuses.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I`m bored of paying for things
Buy a "World`s Greatest Boss" mug and drink out of it in front of your boss.