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I`m not allowed to have any energy drinks until all the cat`s hair grows back.
Turkish ruler Erdogan was at the White House this week. Sources say he arrived very early so he could beat the crowd.
No children were harmed in making this status. Ignored perhaps, but certainly not harmed…
I`m running out of people I can tolerate!
Break the ice in a crowded elevator by asking how much everyone weighs.
I found out that middle age is were you finally get your head together and then your body starts falling apart
I always push when I should pull. I have doorlexia.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I`ll never know.
My girlfriend JUST spent the ENTIRE day arguing that she isn`t stubborn.. :|
There`s 3 ways to get something done: 1. Do it yourself, 2. Hire someone or 3. Forbid your kids to do it.
If you ever hit rock bottom, bring some beer. I`m almost out.
Fun fact: Deciding where to eat is the leading cause of divorce
Earlier this morning, I was invited to join an XXX Facebook group. I was somewhat intrigued until I realized it was a group for guys who like to wear really really big shirts.
I really have to stop using this little microphone on my phone that types whatever you say as it keeps making mistakes punctuation point
My favorite thing to do on Facebook is to get in a long conversation with someone and then delete all my comments so they look crazy.