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Everybody says waking up at 5 in the morning to exercise makes you feel great but I think lying in bed for another 2 hours feels better.
If you tell someone your Birthday and they automatically know your astrological sign, run as fast as you can away from them.
I`m glad people are exercising but I want to see cooler activities posted on FB. Like "I spent 1 hour wrestling a bear. 110 calories burned."
Today I seek some truth and fulfilment but I’ll settle for some bacon.
Women can brutally and methodically destroy your life. But they let you see their tits along the way so it`s totally cool.
I bet Captain Crunch has some amazing abs.
The only reason they make yellow starbursts is for when someone asks you if they can have one of your starbursts.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
My wife sure is picky for someone who married me.
There’s no “I” in team and coincidentally none in "Go f*ck yourself" either.
Time to be an adult and give up my bath time rubber ducky. I´m upgrading to the tugboat!
Some of us live thousands of miles away from the majority of our relatives and can`t be with them for the holidays. But don`t be jealous.
I`m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
Sometimes, when dealing with people, you can`t help but stop and think, "Yup, I`m about to get my first assault charge."
Facebook Proves: That if Family had the Option... they`d Delete ya.