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When God closes a door, it usually has my fingers in it.
Mad respect to people who can stop eating when they`re full.
Gonna start a new job tomorow at a archaelogical site, I know I`m gonna dig it.
People say that marriage is a job...marriage is not a job, its a hobbie!! Dating while you`re married...that`s a job!!
I almost got raped in jail last night. My family takes Monopoly very seriously.
Do you ever wonder how many people’s dreams you have been in?
Most people don`t think I`m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
I wonder if Batman knows that other cities have crime, too.
I would go for a jog today, but it looks like all of these cupcakes expire today as well.
Jogging backwards because I`m trying to gain a little weight
There are 364 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up. Unbelievable.
I`ve been married twice. The next wife I have will be someone else`s and she can just go home when she`s mad at me.
I ate the whole box of Slim Fast bars. So excited about how skinny I`ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
Pro tip: Go the the gym on one of those 1 day free passes, take 365 selfies then post one every day.
Wouldn`t ventriloquists be a lot cooler if they could throw their farts?