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I`m pretty sure if I put what was actually on my mind as my Facebook status, all my friends would delete me.
There’s a limit of how close you should be to another man when taking a selfie.
Mom: "Why is everything on the floor?" Me: "Gravity, Mom."
Before you decide to spend less time on social media... make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
If you`re going to be a smartass, you must first be smart. Otherwise, you`re just an ass.
All I`m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Life is not fair. But life is not fair for everyone, which actually makes it fair.
This might be my ego talking, but I feel my weight-loss spambot followers care about me. They really, really, do.
Sorry about last night texts. My phone was drunk.
I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world. I told them to F off!! Anybody who fits into my clothes isn`t starving!!
GOOGLE must be a woman because it knows everything.
What`s the hold up on making extremely heavy shoes for toddlers so they can`t run around so much?
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you`ll be really far away from me with your motivational nonsense.
Do you ever get the feeling that you`re being watched? Because if it`s bothering you, I`ll stop.
I`ll never need a shrink as long as my wife keeps pointing out whats wrong with me...