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Of course I talk to myself. I need to have an intelligent conversation every now and then.
When I bang my toe against something, it’s like I pressed a button that plays every curse word I know.
Perverts can contribute to society. Look at the disturbed individual who discovered cow`s milk.
It’s always hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they’re always taking things literally.
Procrastinating is just enjoying all the side quests in life whilst you delay the main quest story mission
Coworker: What did you do this weekend? Me: Dug holes in the woods. And that is how you get people to shut up.
The best part about Valentine`s Day is that tomorrow is Friday.
I want to grow my own food but no one makes pizza seeds.
I just want you all to know, whatever problems you might be having, I`m here to `like` them.
I can come up with plenty of ways to do nothing.
If anyone has ever told you that you snore, just know that person has very carefully weighed the pros and cons of letting you live.
When buying a flat screen tv, always remember to put the box in your neighbor`s trash so you don`t get robbed.
Why is it that whenever you dial a wrong number, somebody always answers?
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
If I had spoken to my parents the way some children do now, I would not be here to share this status.