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My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
Nothing says "I mean business" like bringing a shopping cart to the liquor store.
I drink to make other people interesting
You never really know how many inches you`re gonna get or how long it`ll last. Snow, maybe.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don`t know me if they think one tiny cheese drawer and two giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
Laxatives............for people who don`t give a crap.
I wake up every morning with the joy & excitement of wanting to go directly back to sleep.
This headache feels like dumb people
I slept with my best friend’s wife last night and now I feel terrible. …. ….. She must have given me a cold or something.
I think people who challenge me at Words With Friends are most impressed with my vast knowledge of three letter words.
My parents preferred my imaginary friend over me.
My dog can`t hear me yelling at him to stop chasing squirrels, but he can hear a damn cheese wrapper from 500 miles away
I just took the "What Kind of Asshole are You?" quiz and got "The kind that posts my results on Facebook".
Unless you are selling Thin Mints, don’t ever knock on my door.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won`t buy the book.