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If anyone tells you that you drink to much on the weekends. Stop talking to them...you don`t need that kind of negativity in your life
I thought about going outside and doing something today but my Wi-Fi really doesn`t reach very far.
I`m here to pick you up when you fall. Whether I tripped you is another thing...
Trying to figure out why I joined the gym when I have Photoshop.
When will vegeterians stop eating my food`s food??
There are now 4 sides to every story. Yours, mine, the truth & the Internets version.
I got a letter in the mail saying I was pre-approved for a Walmart Credit Card. Not sure if I should be honored or ashamed.
As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can´t remember the other two.
Sixth in line to the throne takes on a different meaning when you’re not in the royal family but in a dive bar.
Trying to understand women is like trying to smell the color 8.
I`m telling you, Godzilla must have feet made of steel. I step on a Lego and can`t walk for a month.
Unless you are selling Thin Mints, don’t ever knock on my door.
I`ve never heard an alarm going off on a car worth stealing.
Gardening is awesome because it is one of the only ways a normal person can be persuaded into buying actual bags of poop.
To my neighbor using a chainsaw at 7:30 on a Sunday morning: Try holding the other end.