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April 1st is the absolute worst day to have a heart attack.
Tonight, I`m bringing Sexy back! I just hope I don`t need a receipt...
The best part about Valentine`s Day is that tomorrow is Friday.
Every so often I’ll listen to my wife talk non stop for hours at a time, to remind myself why people wander into traffic without looking.
Dating a woman in 5 easy steps: 1. Be attentive 2. Don`t be too attentive 3. Show interest 4. Don`t show too much interest 5. Seek therapy
its not the up`s and down`s that bring you down...its the jerks!!
I regret buying that straight jacket now. I thought it would look good on me but I just couldn`t pull it off...
I just saw a disclaimer that said “don’t try this at home”, so I tried it at my neighbors house.
That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is “act natural, you’re innocent”.
Last week a 13-year-old girl became the youngest female to climb Mount Everest. She didn’t mean to. She was just texting her friend and the next thing she knew she was on top of Mount Everest.
As far as Im concerned, you are not my concern.
Coffee? I`ll have a cream soda ... One cup of coffee and I`m up all afternoon.
I`ll be busy tonight taking my girlfriend out to dinner and then having sex all night. Is what I`d be saying if I had money ... or a girlfriend
Social Media: Because I like to socialize with cool people without having to speak, wear pants or get off the couch.
Who wants to go Smart Car Tipping?