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The worst part about being stoned at work is realizing it`s your day off.
People who text back... "kk" ... Are so annoying! ....and almost racist
The hardest part of the job interview is knowing the best moment to lean in for the kiss.
I thought I was having déjà vu, but it turns out I do the exact same things every day.
NEVER go to a wet t shirt contest drunk. I won 2nd place.
Am I the only one that always puts my wallet back into my pocket before getting my change back?
Anyone want to come over and watch porn on my new flat screen mirrior?
Don’t bother flirting with the girl from accounting, she knows how much money you really make.
I like to follow random families around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all their photos.
Arguing over a girl`s bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Coors or Budweiser -- Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.
I admit ive been known to wrap bacon in bacon just for the extra bacon flavor
Sometimes my sarcasm is so intense that even I’m not sure if I’m kidding or not.
Last night I was walking the sexiest girl ever home until she turned around and saw me.
The opposite of "tying the knot" is "no strings attached"
If your day was that bad, why do you assume we want to know about it?