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Last night I dreamed I was eating a giant marshmallow. When I woke up in the morning, my pillow was gone...
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel... It was 3 weeks from tomorrow.
I can`t believe I was late for work tomorrow..
My bank account is more like a countdown to my homelessness
If your girl sets her Facebook relationship status to “Widowed”, it’s time to pack a suitcase as fast as possible.
Go ahead caller 9!!
My job description does not include farting on everyone else`s office chairs but I still do it because INITIATIVE.
I`d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars. Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
Who actually clicks on the "No I am not over 18" links on "adult" pages?
If there’s one thing that having kids will teach you, it’s home repair.
A bachelor party seems more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat`s just being dramatic.
As a kid, I used to be afraid of the dark. Now as an adult, I love the dark because I’m terrified of the electricity bill.
If only losing weight was as easy as losing my cell phone, my keys, my temper, or even my mind ... I`d be SO skinny!
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my lovers hair. It`s a nice way to let them know my love and also that we`re out of napkins.