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Trail mix is just a reminder of how much better it would`ve been if I just ate a bag of M&M`s!
Not to brag, but I don`t even need alcohol to make really bad decisions.
Sometimes it’s just easier to eat the last slice of pizza than fit the box in the fridge.
There`s a sense of great satisfaction when I`m the tie breaker between `Funny` and `Not Funny` status updates.
There`s a reason why natural disasters have female names.
I hope I never go to jail because I haven`t memorized a phone number since 2001
I can update Facebook from anywhere. Even when crossing the stre
I try to conduct myself as a perfect gentleman whenever I meet a lady. Chicks dig that.
My kids will be mad at me when they discover it isn’t illegal to talk in the car while I’m driving.
Why do people with the most to say contribute the least?
I think I have 10 inches of Global Warming on my driveway.
I wish bedtime was all the time.
Studies show than men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy. See, it`s a survival thing.
Does anyone else wonder why naked and baked, 2 words that go together SO well, don`t rhyme?? ...I mean, who comes up with these words anyway? lol
Remember, life isn`t about accumulating stuff. It`s about making people insanely jealous of your stuff.