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Any question is a hard hitting question when it`s written on a brick and thrown full force at your face.
There`s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself " thank god the cops are here"
Arguing politics is like trying to convince someone that their baby isn`t cute.
The main thing I learned from watching my wife carve pumpkins is she’s really good at stabbing things. I should probably be nicer to her.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
My favorite drink is the fullest one on the table.
Watching MTV Cribs makes me feel better about downloading music off the internet.
When I text someone and they dont text me back, I automatically assume that they fainted from overexcitement.
When you`re a kid, you hate those moments when there is absolutely nothing to do. As an adult, you live for them.
If you could see what goes on inside my head, you would have nightmares for weeks!
There is only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water lying about being milk.
Gaining weight while you owe me money is a sign of disrespect.
Testing shows that people in the USA know less about geography than England, Japan and like 100 other countries I`ve never heard of.
I wish there was a reality show where people learned grammar.
I wonder how the Never-ending story is doing.