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I wonder what "don`t touch" is in Braille.
Science is just a numbery way to explain magic.
You will never be happier than a girl who just discovered her dress has pockets.
I dont think McDonald`s french fries are real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect ... Tasted fine, too.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
I`m not lying, I`m just making the story better.
My new years resolution was to lose 30 lbs by the end of summer... I`ve only got 40 lbs to go.
I really like my new electric toothbrush, even though sometimes, I still break out the acoustic.
The only F word out a woman`s mouth that scares me is "fine."
Sneezing is like using sonar to find polite people.
There`s nothing more terrifying than accidentally making eye contact with a mall kiosk worker.
Having a 14 year old has made me realize why some species eat their young.
Boss: "Are you texting?" Me: "No, I`m Tweeting." Boss: "What`s the difference?" Me: "Texting would imply that I have friends."
You say toilet, I say alcohol vomit receptacle.
Marrying your high school sweetheart is like taking the banker`s first offer on Deal or No Deal.