Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
To whom it may concern: I need more money and power ... ASAP thanks!
Don`t ever forget.. I`m always here. A l w a y s. Scrolling. Judging. Judging. Scrolling. That`s right. I see everything.
All milk is breast milk.
You know when you put a stick in water and it looks bent ? That’s why I never take baths...
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
The doctor said I need to drink more whiskey....Oh, by the way... I`m calling myself "the doctor" now.
If anyone lost a roll of hundred dollar bills, with a rubber band around it...... I found the rubber band.
“How are feeling today?” is a polite reminder that you were a mess the night before.
If I ever put stuff in storage I`m going to write "gold bars" and "priceless memorabilia" on the boxes just to mess with storage wars.
For the record "Wanna do it?" is not foreplay....
My Life Alert bracelet says.....: I`m Just Napping
I just saved a lot of money in child support by switching to condoms!
As My Wife walked by, she said, "NICE PORN STASH!" which got me all excited and I preceded to show her where I hide the really raunch stuff. She then clarified that she was talking about the ugly hair I`ve been trying to grow above my lip, and now, I have neither... :)
I can`t wait to be ashamed of what I do this weekend
Going to the skate park to watch people fall.