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Your lights are on but I see someone’s been playing with your dimmer switch.
I love how when your watching a crime show and they have to tell you that "this is a reenactment" oh really? you mean you didn`t actually catch the murder on video?
2017 didn`t need that extra hour back.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
Junk food would be a lot easier to avoid if it actually tasted like junk.
Does everyone have that one dumb ass that finds you on Facebook and will not give up? Repeated friend requests, inbox messages, and follows my pages. It is driving me nuts. I understand at some point I will have to give in, but just because I am married to her doesn`t mean I have to like her, right?
When I go to someone’s house & they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is throw them out because I don’t like visitors.
If at first you don´t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
My wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can`t see the mailbox when she`s backing up?
I like playing with my dog when I`m high. Because I don`t have one when I`m sober.
Do midgets still start their childhood stories off with, "When I was little"
For you men who think a woman’s place is in the kitchen, remember… that’s where the knives are kept.
First thing I do when I realize I’m lost…turn the radio down.
Apparently, "I Know" is not a good answer when your friend tells you how good his girlfriend is in bed.
The sun and I have an understanding. He gets up before I do.