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I’m at Code 5 today. I don’t know. It’s something this lady in the coffee shop said and I liked it. So now I’m using it, too.
My kids don`t even know they have a grandma that gives them $100 on their birthdays
I hope the meteorite crash in Russia doesn`t affect the price of Vodka!
Convincing my dog I really threw the ball is the closest I’ll ever get to being a magician.
Sea levels aren’t rising due to global warming. They are rising due to the increase in obesity. The continents are actually sinking…
My favorite thing about winter...waking up from hibernation!
If I could time travel, I`d make sure the guy who made up the word Walkie-Talkie got to name more things.
I’m not a comedian. I don’t tell jokes. I just tell the truth in a way it sounds funny.
I`ll bet I`m the only one in this grocery store with "sh!t for tacos" on my shopping list.
If cats could talk, they`d probably always be correcting your grammar.
Really disappointed to find out after laser eye surgery I am unable to burn down buildings
This debate episode has to be the craziest Celebrity Apprentice I`ve ever seen!
Honestly, I have no idea what I would even do with 5 hours of energy.
My local news station says it gives us " news when it breaks " ...I want unbroken news!!
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That`ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.