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I hate when a couple argues in public but I missed the start and don`t know whose side I`m on.
Next time you order coffee at Starbucks tell them your name is Bueller and then leave the store.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I`m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
If a Jehovah`s Witness dies and goes to heaven...does God hide behind the pearly gates and pretend he`s not in?
Soup of the day: Tequila.
I don`t mind being wrong, as long as nobody knows.
I`m surprised kids haven`t found a way to trick or treat online yet
I don`t know why I think I could survive the Zombie Apocalypse, I cant even handle the puff of air at the eye doctor.
Dear eyelashes, wishbones, dandelions, pennies, shooting stars, 11:11, and birthday candles ... Do your damn job.
I can`t really walk the walk, or talk the talk. But, if you need someone to drink the drink, I`m your man!
Thats it! I want to be re-inserted and I don`t want to remember a darn thing!
Just once I`d like to see a stripper do the "Carlton" on stage.
Chickens: The only animals you eat before they`re born AND after they`re dead.
I hate long distance relationships. That`s why I moved the fridge into my bedroom.
Can you LIKE this status with your elbow? (no cheating)