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Apparently I`m the only one that wants to drink beer at this intervention.
With the right person, you can talk about absolutely nothing for hours & feel like you spoke about everything.
That awkward moment when you have 10+ tabs open and you can`t figure out which one the music is coming from. FML
Did you know that one minute of kissing burns 26 calories? No wonder those sluts are so damn skinny.
I couldn’t believe it yesterday, when I came home and was told by my wife that my 5-year-old son wasn’t actually mine. She says that I need to pay more attention when picking him up from school…
Nothing says God is forgiving like hell.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I`m trying to unlock it more than two times, I`m driving off without you.
I`m tired of doing math. I guess I`ll get my lazy as up and fix my clocks today
If anyone is interested I`ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
If only someone on the internet would give me their opinion on the election.
It`s pretty neat how owning a pool gives me an excuse to own every chemical needed to make a body completely disappear.
There are many different ways one can save energy. I normally use the couch.
Iam not as THINK as you DRUNK iam!!
Whoever said you can’t “like” your own status is just not awesome enough to do it.
I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night…he hypnotized 7 guys…then dropped the mic on his foot and yelled F*CK ME ... what happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life