Daily Silly Status

Ever check your Facebook early in the morning where you have to close one eye because the screen is too bright?

You know your fat when you sit in the bath tub and the water in the toilet rises.

I`ve set my "life goals" to stuff I`ve already done so literally every day now I`m overachieving. It`s all about perspective.

Whenever a little kid asks me to push him on the swing I remind him there are children his age in China making iPhones.

I`m not really much of a plumber, but I have laid some pipe before.

We Should Have A Way Of Telling People Their Breath Stinks Without Hurting Their Feelings. Like: "I`m bored, let`s go brush our teeth"

I hate brushing my teeth at night. It signifies I can`t have any more food and I`m never ready for that kind of commitment

Taught a man how to buy fish ... So much easier.

I just finished writing an article on "How To Improve Your Memory"- But I forgot where I kept it!!

I`d say that most of my mistakes can be traced back to when I decided to get out of bed. ... just sayin! ;)

I hate to call it "one night stands"... I prefer the term "auditions"

You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.

I bought a screwdriver bit for my electric drill. It`s useful for converting ordinary phillips screws into non removable screws.

I would love to kill you with kindness, but all I have is this knife.

I need to tell you something. I know it is going to break your heart and maybe you will not talk to me after the bad news. But I want you to hear it from me first instead of hearing it from someone else. This is going to make you cry I know. I first thought I must just keep quiet about it but I know it will not be fair on you. I am so ashamed to have to do this but you need to know the truth. Don`t be mad at me please. I will understand if you never want to hear from me ever again but it m