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I`m going to stand outside. So, if anyone asks, I`m outstanding.
That awkward moment when there`s not a single awkward moment
I`m really good at acting like I`m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
I don´t like to think of myself as "Special"... I think I would call me a limited edition.
i wish i could sleep ... but my damn A.D.D. kicks in and basically 1 sheep, 2 sheep, cow, turtle, duck, Ol McDonald had a farm, HEEEY Macerena.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
To skip any youtube ad just change ‘youtube’ to ‘youtubeskip’ in the url of any video. You’re welcome.
A high school diploma takes you 12 years to get, 2 minutes to frame and a lifetime to forget where you put it.
I always stop to help women who have broken down on the road. I don`t know sh!t about cars, but I do know how porn starts off. -Bfanch
I noticed tonight that I was the hottest cashier at the self checkout line.
Apparently when your girlfriend says "f*ck that bitch", you`re not supposed to take her seriously.
Practising my breast stroke, so if I ever get a girlfriend I dont do it wrong...
ooooh boy, Mother`s Day hangovers...always the worst huh?!
I drive safer when there`s food on my passenger seat than when there`s a person sitting there.
You´d be amazed how often I´m wrong when people say guess what