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Boss: Are you high? Me: You and I both know that I don`t make enough money to have a drug habit.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
The only thing creepier than seeing a guy in a Speedo is seeing a guy in a Speedo staring back at you
"My name is Robert and I support apples." -- Bob for apples
The package says "Do not eat raw cookie dough" but all I really see is "Pillsbury hates you and doesn`t want you to be happy."
Statistically, I`ve come to the conclusion that I`m going to hell in multiple religions.
How can Wal-mart have a bazillion carts and everyone with at least one wobbly wheel?
"Hey homie!" - How I greet my house whenever I arrive.
Siri, where are my pants?
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream.
If I was rich, I´d do nothing all day from a much nicer recliner.
pens and pencils are drumsticks and desks and textbooks are drum kits. its a fact.
I don’t know how your day is going, but I just got lucky on the couch! Yep, I found a dollar!
When I bang my toe against something it`s like I pressed a button that plays all the curse words I know
I wonder if Oscar the Grouch has a hipster cousin somewhere that lives in a recycling bin