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Someone should use screen recording software to record an entire day’s worth of working on spreadsheets and post it to YouTube so that I can play it full screen and pretend like I’m working.
I tried to make both ends meet, but I`m a poor judge of distance.
It`s all fun and games until you find out she`s a psychotic bitch...
My son asked what it is like to be married, so I deleted all the music on his ipod except 1 song.
If you can’t celebrate Valentine’s Day with someone you love, celebrate it with alcohol and pizza.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I`m back. Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
My wife was out of town, so I had to run the morning routine by myself today. I learned a lot. For example, apparently I have two kids.
I slept on my neck funny and today I will be turning my whole body like Batman every time I have to look at something.
I hate being bi-polar. It`s awesome.
If any of you ladies want pancakes for breakfast, just come over....you can make them here, because I want some too
Your secrets are safe with me because I zone out everytime you speak.
Golf is finally starting to pay off. I just signed a contract with Nike for a large sum of money in return for agreeing never to be seen playing with any of their equipment.
Tonight I’m trying to get to that happy place right between don’t know my own name and head in the toilet.
Sleep is my drug, my bed is my dealer, and my alarm clock is police.
Do you like the strong, silent type? Then you`ll love my farts.