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If your Facebook post requires me to hit “continue…” get a diary.
You poor thing. You don`t even realize you`re batsh!t crazy, do you?
I`m terribly sorry but I have decided not to grow up and act my age after all. So there.
Scratching off a lotto ticket before you leave the store is a good way of letting people know that your life isn`t going according to plan.
If men could have multiple orgasms, lotions would cost more than an iPhone.
Two things I am thankful for: 1: Family and friends. 2: Caller ID, so I can avoid certain family and friends.
Deja poo. The feeling that you`ve heard this sh!t before.
I avoid online dating sites because they match you up with people who share your interests. I don`t want to go out with a weirdo.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
I just got a paper cut opening a box of Pop Tarts. There will be no more fancy breakfasts around here.
I didn`t have access to Facebook for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 17 books and showered.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
American Sniper proves that not even being in an active war zone will prevent your spouse from calling you at work.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at McDonalds... Not funny, grow up.
Million dollar idea: A snooze button that lets you sleep longer the harder you hit it.