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I would like to think I will die a heroic death, but it`s more likely I`ll trip over my dog and choke on a spoonful of frosting.
I can take care of my drunk friends, so the responsibility of having children doesn`t worry me.
My dentist said I grind at night. I was like, ok stalker.
"I`ve never seen an angry stoner, see angry drunks all the time!" Clearly you`ve never tried to take a stoner`s nachos away.
The downside of dating intelligent women is having to Google what they call you when it ends badly
I need to do laundry so bad I`m actually wearing Christmas stockings
Good rule of thumb: if you see an adult riding a children’s bicycle, you’re probably in a bad neighborhood.
In alcohol`s defence, I`ve done some pretty dumb sh*t while completely sober too.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I`m the proud owner of aisle 7.
You could pleasure me just by walking away.
if your morning beverage isn`t half booze/half coffee, you`re doing Saturday wrong.
So who the hell ever buys the middle grade of gasoline?
If a turtle doesnt have a shell, is it naked or homeless ?
A 5 year old asked me what marriage is like. So I gave him a chocolate bar and told him not to eat it.
Sometimes you just need to do something stupid while sober so that people will leave you alone about your drinking.