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Sometimes you run into people who change your life forever ... Bartenders, they are called bartenders.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Million dollar idea: Alarm clock that releases spiders... NOW you`re up.
Has anyone donated any money to ALS? All these ice bucket challenges I been seeing makes me think ... you all some cheap bastards
I stepped on the scale today. Not to get my weight. I just couldn`t reach the cookies in the cupboard.
So it`s racist to call a team Redskins but it`s okay to call a restaurant Cracker Barrel ?
Friday is like a superhero that always arrives just in time to prevent me from savagely beating my coworkers with a keyboard.
If anyone has ever told you that you snore, just know that person has very carefully weighed the pros and cons of letting you live.
I ate a shepherd`s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
Sometimes I like to take a roll of duct tape and use it to cover up all the Mondays on my desk calendar.
What do you get when you cross a pitbull with a computer? I don`t really know but when it megabytes, it megahertz
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
My house is not messy. Those are just obstacles I`ve put in place for burglars.
Golf is such a strange game. You shout four, shoot six, and write down five.
FACT: Men are much less likely to divulge a secret than women. Probably because they weren`t really listening to begin with.