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Don`t rush me, I`m waiting until the last minute.
Geez. I make one little mistake and my pharmacist now adds "by mouth" on the prescription label.
The black sheep always have the best stories.
All the guys in working out photos look like they`re straining or in pain, but there`s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy. Just saying.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
If there is one-thing in this would i don`t like being thought is ... a lesson.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
"what doesnt kill u makes u smaller" -mario Lol
Ice cream is clearly God`s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
Whoever said "nothing is impossible" never tried to nail JELL-O to a tree.
Love your neighbor, but don`t get caught...
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would`ve been a lot more interesting.
I`ve finally stopped drinking for good ... And I`ve started drinking for evil.