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I`m gonna start a secret porn industry and call it "The Illuminaughty"
Today has me seriously evaluating my policy of not drinking on the job.
Vodka is the answer...but I can`t remember the question.
I wouldn`t mind being alone with my thoughts, if I didn`t know them all so well.
The loudest possible way to open a bag of chips is to try and do it quietly.
I am so thankful for all the people that aren`t in my life.
I don’t understand how people have to “get ready for bed”…I’m always ready for bed.
I`m convinced that every time a sock goes missing from the dryer, it comes back as an extra tupperware lid.
I never thought I’d be the type of person who would get up early in the morning to exercise. I was right.
I almost got raped in jail last night. My family takes Monopoly very seriously.
Feeling so good today ... High-five the person next to you and tell them it`s from me.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
The downside of dating intelligent women is having to Google what they call you when it ends badly
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.