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I`m actually a pretty normal person when you ignore the faint cries for help coming from my basement..
There aren`t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Why does the girl in the Wendy`s commercials have Ronald McDonalds hair?
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
This pill bottle says `Take with plenty of fluids` and `Don`t take with alcohol`. That doesn`t even make sense
"Trust your gut" is terrible advice. How can I put trust in something that tells me to eat an entire pizza when I get drunk?
Your shadow is a confirmation that light has traveled nearly 93 million miles unobstructed, only to be deprived of reaching the ground in the final few feet thanks to you
I’ve never pretended to be anything I’m not…except for sober. I’ve pretended to be sober a few times.
Stalin should have known communism doesn`t work. There were red flags everywhere.
Just a word of advice for all you single guys having a hard time out there, Forget the clubs, forget the churches, forget the online dating sites, as the best places to meet single women are the freezer section and down the cat food isle.....
I`m pretty sure even Santa wishes they would stop playing Christmas music on the radio this time of year.
Just because I’m smiling, doesn’t mean I don’t want to hit you in the face.
If you added up all the time you waste on Facebook, think how much TV you could watch.
Girls these days be like `I wanna get the Double Ristretto Venti Half-Soy Nonfat Decaf Organic Chocolate Brownie Iced Vanilla Double-Shot Gingerbread Frappuccino Extra Hot With Foam Whipped Cream Upside Down Double Blended, One Sweet`N Low and One Nutrasweet, and Ice tan look`
Just think, there is an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: "Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?"