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Exercise... the poor person`s plastic surgery
The only thing wrong with eary mornings is being awake.
Getting back with your ex is like taking a shower and putting back on your dirty underwear.
My brain is about as well organized as the Walmart $5 dvd bin.
Last night I had this awesome dream, where I fought this huge fat ninja and knocked him out with my super power punch. I`d tell you more but I have to take my wife to the doctor. She has this mysterious black eye.
They say money talks, mine just waves goodbye.
If adult diapers are called Depends, then baby diapers should be called Definitely!!
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific
The coolest tourist attraction in the world is the Sistine Chapel, because it`s full of ceiling fans.
Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me secrets???
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
On a scale of 1-10, I give this day a middle finger.
My wife told me to strive for perfection, so I divorced her and started dating a swimsuit model.
Is it just me, or would those movies had been far scarier if they were titled "Monday the 13th"