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People who can finish a shampoo bottle at the same time as their conditioner are truly ninja`s.
When I come home 4 the holidays I throw $40 on the table & say "Look we`re keeping the thermostat at 75, and we`re turning on some lights."
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy`s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
I tried yoga once, but we called it Twister
"Why haven`t you been answering my pigeons?" - 17th century sext
It’s a good thing the fate of mankind doesn’t depend on me turning on the correct stove-top burner on my first try.
Anyone that says I`m a lover not a fighter has clearly never been in a relationship over 6 months
Smile, it´s the second best thing you can do with your lips.
Guy test! find the nearest guy by you and repeat to him the following slowly: Door knob, Titanic, Gluestick, Kiwi, Opra Winfey, Shovel, Boobs, Remote, Battery, Furby, Glowstick, Beer, & Xbox. NOW ask him what he remembers before "Boobs"
My predictive text dictionary doesn’t have “tsunami”, so if you ever get a text from me that says “trumang” start running.
What do you mean my bathrobe is inappropriate? Isn`t it casual Friday?!
The nighttime, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy head, fever so I can rest medicine didn´t work. I´m going to try 1 bourbon, 1 scotch and 1 beer instead.
What happens when Batman sees Catwoman? The Dark Knight Rises.
“You look tired” is just a polite way to tell someone they look like sh*t.
Printing an expiration date on a bag of Cheetos is just a waste of ink.