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Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
Kids may be a gift, but I like playing with the box it came in.
It`s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn`t
I`m changing my voicemail greeting to: Please hang up and text me, thanks. ;)
I`m going to propose with a mood ring so I can easily see a measurement of how excited she really is.
Imagine how creepy the first guy to dress up as a clown must have been, where in hell did he get that idea?
Water is the most essential element of life, because without water, you can’t make coffee.
I`m about to eat gas station breakfast. Tell my family that I love them.
Dear penis, thanks for not bleeding once a month. Sincerely, every man ever.
For over 20 years, I thought Bon Jovi gave love a Band-Aid
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it`s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
Surprise your wife today. Sell all her shoes and buy something nice for yourself.
Being in the friend zone is like being the guy in the band who plays that little triangle.
I drank so much vodka last night I woke up with a Russian accent.
I had lunch with a chess player yesterday. It took him 20 minutes to pass the salt.