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I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
I`m not sure if I actually have free time or there are things I`m forgetting to do.
The real problem with this generation is that the cartoons suck.
I went to McDonald`s to grab my boys a couple of Happy meals. The guy serving me says "Would you like a Boy Toy"? I was like, "listen hear you little sh!t, you couldn`t handle me if you tried"!! What is this world coming too... :))
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot them?
Sorry, I can`t today ... My sister`s friend`s mother`s grandpa`s brother`s grandson`s cousin`s uncle`s fish died. Yes, it was tragic.
Why do we say "A word to the wise" when it`s the stupid ones who need it?
Ask me about my ability to annoy complete strangers.
I`m combining Easter and April Fools day this year - I`m sending the kids out to look for eggs I haven`t hidden.
Ferris Bueller did more in one day than I’ve done in my entire life.
Thinking about waking up early for a run. Mostly thinking about how I will not be doing that.
Don`t mistake my middle finger as an offer.
Is Nudeism a religion?
My new dating profile just says "I`m tired of masturbating."
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.