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Waiting to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I`m describing him.
For years I thought hitchhikers were just complimenting my driving.
Right now, a future teen mom is applying copious amounts of body glitter to herself.
I wish the Microsoft Paperclip would just pop up when I’m making a questionable decision for my life.
I`ve just invented an invisibility cloak; anything under it is rendered completely invisible. I`m still working out the kinks; you can still see the cloak itself
It`s fun to leave a note on the windshield of an expensive car saying sorry I smashed it, but I fixed it so well that you can`t tell.
If you attached a bunch of watches together to make a belt it would be a waist of time.
Drinking: because why not intensify the feelings you’re trying to escape?
Guys say that women should come with instructions, but what`s the point. Have you ever seen a man read instructions?
Just bought two donuts without sprinkles...Diets are hard!
I’ve decided to get rid of my bad habits…just as soon as equally satisfying good habits become available.
My New Year’s resolution is to save enough to buy a Velcro wall ... I plan on sticking to it.
I was bitten by a mosquito last night. Bet that little bastard is pretty hung-over today
Shouting "Shotgun" will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
Ok ... I just had a talk with myself, and it did not go well. Now I`m grounded.