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True laziness is being excited when plans get canceled.
You can steal my status updates whenever you want, but just remember that I lick every single one before I post them...
At my age I can no longer function without my glasses. Especially when they`re empty.
I`m looking for a girlfriend that likes me for my money, but is really bad at math...
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. "You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic"
The bed is always the comfiest right at the time you are supposed to be getting out of it
Who`s further now, the Energizer Bunny or Voyager 1?
My clothes are 75% off and this is not a sale.
Sorry about last night texts. My phone was drunk.
I think the Worst Part about admitting you are an Alcoholic ..is People expect you to Quit Drinking.
Whenever I watch the TV show Friends, I imagine I`m the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn`t improved since fourth grade.
Have you ever wondered if Dora is smuggling drugs in her backpack?
I used to question how much information was too much information. Joined Facebook, It`s much clearer now
Why do people at home on TV have their pants on?