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St. Patricks day is the only time you can ask somebody in public,"Do you want some green" without you looking suspect.
I have no fear of heights. I do, however have a fear of falling from heights.
Screw you, regular cars that look like police cars. Also vice versa.
Just been informed that my spirit animal is Eeyore.
If you`re reading this then I`m wishing you a Happy New Year! Stay safe, have fun, and remember, I like New Years gifts too!
I took a poll recently, and 100% of strippers were angry they had nothing to dance on.
Guns don`t kill people. Fathers with pretty daughters do.
Good things come to those who wait ... Which explains why I`m always late.
You are not stupid, I just think you have bad luck when thinking.
Going to Colorado this weekend to go ... "Hiking"
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
You`re always ahead of schedule when it comes to disappointing me.
I gave my wife my email address but she keeps on speaking directly to me.
Two things everybody wants: 1) Lose weight. 2) Eat.
100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses. The stables have turned.