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The divorce rate among my socks is astonishing.
Spent the morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
99% sure my soulmate is a piece of pizza.
Note to Self: Next time I leave my wife a message that I`m in a threesome all afternoon, specify it`s golf.
Things that schools worry about Drugs 1% Graduating 1% drop outs 1% the inportance of using a number 2 pencil on standardized tests 97%
I slept like a rock last night, meaning I woke up in the flower bed with the house key under my belly.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with "studies show," the internet will believe you.
Hey guy in the car behind me... Honking your horn isn`t going to help me type any faster.
My thoughts should be ashamed of themselves.
Been reading up on the thesaurus lately because a mind is a terrible thing to garbage.
Billion dollar idea: Make a prescription drug that gets rid of the side effects of all the other prescription drugs.
I live in fear of finding hidden cameras in my house & not being able to explain why I do all those random karate kicks directed at no one.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
The odds of winning the lottery are 1 in 10 million. The odds of being the fastest sperm are 1 in 300 million. You`d think that with those odds, you`d win the lottery 30 times in your life.
I need to put someone on my weekend to-do list