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I`m always surprised how quickly "you`re so funny" turns into "everything is a fcuking joke to you." (usually about 3 months)
I miss being the age when I thought I would have my sh!t together by the age I am now.
Life is not like a box of chocolates. Its more like a jar of jalapeños, what you do today can burn your a$$ tomorrow
It`s not working. I`ve napped every day this week at work and not a single raise or promotion. Sleeping my way to the top was a stupid idea.
Break the ice in a crowded elevator by asking how much everyone weighs.
the real full form of M.B.A....Married But Available
There is no such thing as failure. There are only results.
I get as much action as a white crayon.
A coworker just wrote "Retard" on the windshield of my car. It`s taken me over an hour to lick it off!
My wife says I talk while I sleep. But I’m skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
Doc: ``Hows your headache ?`` Me: ``She`s at home``
If you have no internet history you silently admit wrong doing.
Sometimes, I don`t know how I`m going to get through the day. Then I remember: I have beers waiting for me at home. I can do this for them
The only thing my girlfriend blows is everything out of proportion.
The toughest part of a lesbian relationship is deciding who gets to be the one who`s always right.