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How come when a girl has sex with everyone she`s a slut but when a guy has sex with everyone he`s my boyfriend
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
The worst part of being naked is not having pockets.
Last night we were in bed and I asked my wife "What would you like to do to my body more than anything else?" She said "Identify it."
Just once...one time; can`t we buy a tree that doesn`t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
There are 3 reasons for ”Liking” someone’s Facebook status: 1. I agree. 2. I realise this is about me, so I’m liking it to rub it in your face. 3. I want to bang you.
When one door opens & another one closes, your fricking house is HAUNTED!
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
They say that money talks, but mine just waves goodbye.
I saw a cool bumper sticker on a back of a SUV . . . “Do you follow Jesus this close?”
When my kid grows up they`re not aloud to date until they`re married.
I wish I loved anything as much as rappers love female dogs and gardening tools
you`re about as useless as a red light in grand theft auto
I just googled Magnum condoms and I swear I could hear Siri laughing.
If two wrongs don`t make a right, try three.