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I can`t even tell what this thing in my fridge use to be.
I wonder how many strangers have stories about me.
So the other day a girl asked me to Facebook her, needless to say she wasn`t to happy after I hit her in the face with a book
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner...
I`m pretty sure apple kid below needs help..
Mom: You haven`t moved since I left 5 hours ago? Me: Excuse me, where do you think these chips came from!!???
Nothing in the world is more expensive than a women who’s free for the weekend
Clearly, it is wrong to describe woman`s menopause as "the old Fallopian tubes finally rusting shut." My bad.
Beer doesn’t have that many vitamins in it…that’s why you have to drink a lot.
Oh, so you are thinking about me? I am also thinking about myself.....
Why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Unplug the copier at work & put a sign on it that says “now voice activated!” Sit back & watch the magic unfold.
I`m sorry officer, I thought you wanted to race.
There is no vulnerable feeling like when you are about to sneeze ... with a mouthful of rice.
Life is to short ... to waste time matching socks.