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If you`re one in a million, there are more than 7,000 of you.
I would like to give thanks to the brave men and women who died a long time ago tasting which plants were edible and which plants were not.
I didn´t outsmart you. You just outdumbed me.
Best pickup line : wanna get pizza?
Damn…I’m having an out of money experience.
TV and the Internet are good because they keep stupid people from spending too much time out in public.
Haters gunna hate,potatoes gunna patate!!
It turns out that 3 is the amount of times you can suck on your dentist`s finger before she stops believing that you`re doing it accidentally.
My favorite part of a marathon is watching the reaction of runners who grab my plastic cup of vodka.
I wish I had a job where I could punch stupid motherf*ckers in the face all day.
I don’t know how your day is going, but I just got lucky on the couch! Yep, I found a dollar!
Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.
Today`s subliminal thought is: …
If you’re telling me to relax, it’s probably your fault that I’m not.
Alice in Wonderland taught me to drink things that I`m unsure of