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You seem to love cocktails... or part of it.
Your dating profile should be like house listings. 1. Sq. footage 2. Date built 3. # of previous owners? 4. Finished basement?
facebook cuz am too old to have imaginery friends
Your duty as a friend is to LIKE my Facebook posts even if they suck.
This beer tastes like Iām going to text you later.
We spend 33% of our life sleeping, 33% wanting to be asleep and the rest apologizing to women.
bras are booby-traps
Ok everybody. Please look in your bedroom closet. I got my stalking notes mixed up and don`t know where I am.
I slept on the sofa last night which is weird because I`m not even married.
if you were 2 times as smart as you are now ... you would still be stupid
I`m tired of doing math. I guess I`ll get my lazy as up and fix my clocks today
Huh, So you are telling me that these straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress? And not for what I`ve been using them for all this time?
With all the botched executions lately, it has been suggested that we bring back the guillotine. But if we do that I`m sure heads will roll.
Does running away from your problems count as exercising? If it is, then I`m one hell of a fitness freak
Wow comma I just realized if I tap the microphone on my keyboard I don`t have to type out my statuses anymore exclamation point