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I am not bossy, I just know how to do things the right way.
I often confuse reptiles and amphibians. Actually, if I`m being brutally honest, they pretty much never know what I`m talking about
The way you feel when your phone dies is exactly how Cinderella must have felt at midnight
I received an email from a hacker that had accessed my bank account. It simply read, "LOL".
Yes I walked away mid-conversation. You were boring me to death and my survival instincts kicked in
Just convinced my Mom she won`t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn`t see Teen Wolf first.
Not now, I`m busy bringing shame to my family on the internet.
Dear McDonalds cashier, Don`t give me that look, there`s no age limit on a happy meal. Sincerely, don`t forget the toy b!tch.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
Thanksgiving: "Let`s give thanks for the stuff we have." Black Friday: "Ok, let`s get all new stuff."
Being fabulous all day makes me really, really tired
Hillary Clinton is running for president. In other news, grass is green and the sun is hot.
Boyfriend: Why do you watch the Food Network it doesn’t make your cooking any better? Girlfriend: Why do you watch porn?
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I`m having sex ... Probably with the other sock.
6 FUNNIEST CONTRADICTING WORDS 1.Clearly misunderstood 2.Exact estimate 3.Small crowd 4.Found missing 5.Fully empty 6.Happily married